Real Housewives of Orange County Goes Mental

Tonight's typos are happily brought to you by Jose Cuervo and Captain Morgan.

Time for another romp through Orange County. By romp of course I mean we are being dragged through the gutter with rats. Ugh. Vicki and Brooks are out for dinner with Heather and Terry. Why are we being forced to watch Brooks? Why is he still around? What is wrong with Vickie that she is still dating this man? I just can’t with this loser. 

Vicki is telling Heather about what she heard from Shannon in Mexico about being kicked out of Heather’s house. Vicki is Team Shannon and Heather is Team Heather. Heather is disappointed Vicki is picking Shannon’s side and we're instantly reminded Heather is a mean girl who is all about herself. Heather is a bitch and painful to watch.

Jumping to Shannon and David, they are happy and doing better after the Mexico trip. Shannon says they have had 13 years of a dysfunctional marriage but they are working on it. Really? After 13 years of dysfunction I say get out. Kids know when their parents are unhappy and sticking it out for them is not healthy. They are beautiful kids.

Shannon’s daughter is going on a school trip to Italy and David is going as a chaperone. Shannon is just too controlling and even when she is being nice, her tone is not nice. Cut to Lizzie and her husband who are at her family beach house. He seems is a bore and I feel for her as she is clearly desperate to connect but he gives her nothing.

They're remodeling and Lizzie says the house is stuck in the 90’s, but it is 2014. Really? This was shot in 2013. Lizzie doesn’t get how this works. They’re going to hold a dinner party in their construction zone beach house. I want to get on board with OC but it is hard. There is nobody interesting here but Shannon and she is a crazy person.

Tamra visits Vickie at work. They talking about shoes, getting gas, and that they don’t have time to pee. For the love of God are we really talking about how many times they pee? Time for a scripted gossip session about Heather and Shannon. Vickie tells Tamra she is Team Shannon but doesn't want to be in the middle. This is ridiculous.

It is time for Lizzie’s dinner and everyone is on edge as Shannon and Heather will be together. The mess has been cleared out and the beach house is set for dinner. It looks beautiful so it is a shame the guest list will ruin it. Shannon and David are in the car heading to Lizzie’s and she is dreading seeing the Heather and Terry because of the fight.

Shannon wants to have a conversation with Tamra, and will to do it at the party. Shannon says Tamra told her the Dubrow’s said they were going to “take the Beadors down” These women are immature, self-centered, selfish, and desperate to be the star of the show. In the end they are a bunch of aging hags with unhappy marriages. Sad.

Everyone is greeted with a glass of champagne, then asked to walk down two flights of stairs. Why not direct them down then give them the champagne? Everyone arrives and Heather is uncomfortable. Probably because the pole shoved up her ass is hitting an internal organ. Shannon has fire dancers on the beach, which is awesome.

Brooks and Tamra chat like old chums, which is lame because they hate each other. Shannon immediately takes Tamra off for a “private” chat in front of the camera. Shannon asks Tamra about saying the Debrows want to take them down. Tamra denies it. Shannon's unstable and in need of therapy. There’s something wrong with her and it is sad.

Sidebar: Tamra is a pathological liar. She is incapable of telling the truth and one would think that when in the middle of a custody battle, where are being judged on how you parent, she would behave herself. She better pray the judge deciding the best interest of her children does not watch this show because if he does, she will lose custody.

Lizzie’s husband gives a toast to welcome everyone to dinner and it is fascinating. He is slow. Bless him. He is a bit of a caveman and clearly more comfortable grunting over speaking. Dinner is awkward because nobody is talking. Tamra decides to break the ice by announcing she has a great ass. Shame about her boobs. Her chest is deformed which is sad.

She should rethink her fashion choices. Tamra wants to know what everything thinks their favorite body part is, and asks Brooks what he thinks Vickie’s favorite part is. He says her brain, which is bullshit. When pushed for the real answer, he says her vagina. He apparently loves it and enjoys spending time there. Can you wait a second? I need to vomit.

Terry says Heather’s best body part is her face, which makes me laugh. That’s quite an ego taking credit for his own work. The dinner is going smoothly, and people are finally talking, when Tamra decides to ruin the dinner. Dear Lord. Tamra is an idiot. She tells Terry and Heather Shannon said they want to take them down. I want to punch Tamra.

Terry yells to Shannon he didn’t say he wanted to take her down. David immediately sticks up for his wife and tells Terry to back off. Shannon is in shock and explains she asked Tamra and when Tara denied it, she dropped it. Tamra tells the camera Terry never said it, denies it to Heather, yet Vicki tells the camera Tamra did say it. I need a shot.

Heather is lying about her gossiping. Tamara is lying about everything. Shannon and Vicki both know they are lying, but Vicki stays quiet and doesn’t support Shannon. These women are hideous. Lizzie thinks Tamra is stirring the pot. If by stirring the pot she means being a vindictive skank with Botox seeping into her brain, then yes, pot stirrer.

Heather is being a condescending twat to Shannon so Shannon excuses herself to the bathroom. Christian decides it is the perfect time for another toast. Bless him. He’s just so dumb. Tamra tells Heather they need to go outside and talk. Whatever. Brooks is trying to kiss Vicki and she is not into it. If I puke and waste all this good booze I’ll be really mad.

Heather asks Tamra to tell her if she ever said it to Shannon and she denies it, insisting she does not lie. Her nose would start growing if it weren’t so frozen from injection. Tamra looks like a freak show and I think Eddie will bail on her saggy boobs soon enough. He’ll be banging a chick at the gym. Only a matter of time on that one. For real.

Vicki doesn’t want to get involved, which is very disappointing. Shannon is talking to Terry and he is a douchebag. David is trying to protect his wife and Terry is just being an idiot. It’s a shame because he is the likeable Debrow and if he blows that all we’ll have to like about them are the dogs. Meanwhile Heather wants Tamra and Vicki to take her side.

Good thing Bravo paid for everything and Lizzie is not out any money. Good camera time though. Tamra comes back in and wants to talk to David. He says it is not appropriate, she insists they go outside and hash it all out. David calls out Tamra for sharing Shannon’s email with Heather. Once again Tamra is denying it. We all know she is lying.

Shannon and Eddie join outside. Heather has her back to the door, Tamra motions for her to come out, and she goes. How did Heather see her? The editing is insane and we see each time they reshoot something because the script is not being followed. Now Heather has joined them and she is lying. Tamra and Heather are insane.

They don’t remember we have proof the lie. I feel sad for Shannon who is being made to feel like she is crazy. Well she is, and clearly having a nervous breakdown, but the others are purposefully hurtful. Shannon is too fragile to be with these bitches and she never should’ve done this show. She could not have possibly passed a mental exam.

Shannon is going to have a mental breakdown in three…two…one… Bang. She is screaming that everyone will know the truth! Tamra is running after her, holding onto her, screaming for her to stop. Really? Tamra is the one to blame for the whole thing. That these women are leaving this legacy for heir young child is heartbreaking.

Heather tells Eddie she didn’t do anything and it reminds me of Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl when she tells the radio station guy she did nothing and tells Harrison Ford she forgives him. We all know what happened to her boney ass and I predict the same for Heather. Shannon is still screaming, Tamra is still hanging on, I’m doing shots.

Shannon is crying and telling Tamra to get away from her. She is calmly telling her to walk away and Tamra will not go. I seriously want to punch Tamra in he wonky boobs. Not really. Really. Next week the drama continues and we find out Tamra is going to be a grandma. With all the illegal drugs Ryan injects I’d be worried about that baby. What a mess.

Tamra went from wanting a baby to having a grand baby. I am curious about who would sleep with Ryan. This show is a mess and true train wreck television. I had a rough day yesterday so I came home, made a cocktail, and watched this show. As I sat watching with Jose Cuervo and Captain Morgan, we laughed and laughed. I'm just keeping it real.