Real Housewives of New York Open Mic Recap

Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.

We are finally out of Montana and back to the Big Apple. We start off with dinner for Kristen, her ass wipe Josh, Heather, and her angel Jonathan. Kristen is getting on my last nerve with the constant complaining, while Heather is quickly solidifying her spot as best NYC housewife. As for the husbands, Josh is a pig and Jonathon is a dreamboat. This dinner is odd so close to the Montana fight, but good they try. By try of course I mean following the script.

Kristen and Josh arrive first so Kristen can bitch before Heather arrives. I’m not into Kristen and it would appear neither is Josh. Kristen is on the defensive and Heather is easy breezy. As unsupportive as Kristen and Josh are of each other, that is how supportive Jonathon and Heather are of each other. Josh speaks of Kristen like she is a moron and it is uncomfortable. I feel for Kristen and understand her feelings of abandonment, but incessantly bitching won’t make it better. 

Over to Ramona, she is faking a happy life. Come on. This is stupid. Mario is practicing for an open mic night he and Ramona are going to. Ramona’s sidekick comes by because clearly Ramona is uncomfortable around Mario. Maybe she can smell the perfume of his mistress on his shirt. Mario sings, Avery is mortified, Ramona swoons, and I'm pouring a glass of wine. Ramona is drinking too. Poor thing. She thinks Mario's song “Effortless” is about him and her. I just have to laugh and laugh.

Jumping to Sonja, she is interviewing another intern. Sonja is beautiful, funny, and charming, but I don’t get the intern thing. I get the need for an intern, and I appreciate a good intern, but I don’t get why she needs so many. The interview is cut short as Aviva arrives for a visit. Aviva isn't appealing, interesting, real, or meant for television. Sonja is having her over to let her know everyone talked about her in Montana. She immediately throws Ramona under the bus. Finally!

Sonja would be better off with a little less Ramona. Aviva thinks everyone spoke of her in Montana because they were worried about her. Sonja corrects her and lets her know they were mocking her fake illness. Sonja leans back and sips her drink, which is hilarious. Sonja makes the show entertaining as she pretends to be concerned and says she is feeling protective of Aviva. Meanwhile Aviva says she is also lying about her leg and insists she is over the women and is done.

Over to Carole, she is explaining how busy she is because you know, she’s a writer. She has hired an assistant and is prepping for a book tour, while the renovations on her apartment have begun. She is namedropping Barbara Walters and Katie Couric to remind us how legitimate she is. It is a little desperate, but whatever. The girl has got to make a living and clearly is struggling with some insecurity, so bless her. Carole needs to come up with a storyline because she is dragging along.

Ramona, Sonja, and Kristen have gone to get body treatments and Ramona announces she is taking Kristen under her wing. Poor Kristen is so dumb she doesn't know who to align with. Sonja wants to talk about how her body looks during sex and it is fabulous because Ramona and Kristen are mortified. They act like they don’t want to know about Sonja’s sex life, but they're just jealous Sonja is getting some. I don’t get the appeal of exposing your unhappy marriage on TV this way.

We are now at Kristen’s apartment. She’s making dinner because Josh says he doesn’t come home because there is never any food. Josh is late so Kristen calls him on speakerphone. He tells her he's running late but is on the way home. She pushes for why he didn’t text her, and he loses it, yelling at her while her kids can hear. She tries to laugh it off for the kids, but it is heartbreaking. This relationship is hard to watch and I feel horrible for Kristen this is happening.

Back to Sonja, she is on a picnic with Harry. They dated 25 years ago, and here they are years later, dating again and Sonja says things are heating up. I’m think Harry uses Sonja. We quickly go back to Kristen, where Josh has arrived home. He is shocked Kristen is cooking because she never does. She is pushing him, he is blowing her off, and the fight continues in front of the kids. This is miserable to watch. Why do this to your children. What is wrong with these mothers?

Sonja and Harry proclaim their love for each other, while Kristen and Josh are still fighting. I have thought Josh was an ass since we met him, but he may not be as bad as I thought. The constant bitching from Kristen is just too much. He is hitting a wall because his wife is a whack job. This couple makes no sense and in terms of Josh’s professional life, he is being publically humiliated and that can't be good for business. They agree to go to therapy, but they're going to fight not fix.

LuAnn is getting pictures taken with Jacques and says she's worried about their relationship. Since we already know they broke up, this is dumb. That relationship never made sense.  Time for open mic and the gangs all there. Everyone is apparently going to sing, but Ramona is most excited about Mario serenading her. By serenading of course she means he will be secretly singing to his mistress, who is probably incognito at the bar.  LuAnn has decided she will not sing.

Ramona is talking to Mario and he screams at her to leave him alone. She laughs it off but I feel bad for her. Ramona, feeling embarrassed by her Mario's dismissal, takes it out on LuAnn. She says Lu isn't singing because there is no auto tune, then calls her a chicken shit. Ramona has lost her mind and is being horrible. I’m guessing she has seen the mistress at the bar and in an attempt to distract people from seeing her too, will fight with Lu so nobody notices.

Mario is up and says it is a love ballad, he doesn't mention a dedication to his wife. He sounds nice but I'm distracted by Ramona, who thinks he is singing to her. His eyes are closed and he is not even looking at her. Everyone is eating and not paying attention to Mario. Ramona wipes away a fake tear and even though I know she is going for a beautiful and loving moment where we all say ahhhhh, I am laughing. If there are no tears, it is not crying.

We end with Heather singing. She is ballsy and fabulous. Heather does an amazing job. Next week LuAnn will break up with Jacques, Carole will have a birthday, Avery will go to college, Heather will continue to be fabulous, and Kristen will go to therapy, where in her best Shannon OC impersonation, will declare her husband does not love her. I love this city and these women. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but they're good TV and that is keeping it real.