Real Housewives of Orange County Musical Chairs

*Typos are generously brought to you by Pinot Noir.

These women are interesting individually, but a mess together. They obviously don’t like each other, which is a drag to watch. We start with Shannon, who has taken Vicki to acupuncture. Vicki is screaming and I am getting a headache, which this show normally gives me, but this is record time. Sidebar: Does anyone else think Shannon looks like what Marisol from RHOM would look like without so much plastic surgery?

Over to Heather, she is planning a party on the lot of her new house to celebrate the breaking of ground. Dear Lord she is pretentious. She likes the sound of her own voice and I’m guessing she looks up a new word in the dictionary everyday and vows to use it in a sentence. Probably two words while they are actually shooting the show. I have lost interest in Heather. I’m guessing everyone but Heather has lost interest in Heather.

Time for manicures for Vicki, Shannon, and Tamra. Tamra is crude, Vicki is idiotic, and Shannon might be the only normal one, which is hilarious because she isn’t normal. Tamra gossips about Heather and tells them she met Lizzie, who reminded her of a mixture of Gretchen and Alexis, thus “Gralexis”. They decide to get together for dinner with the entire group to get to know each other. No good can come of that.

Speaking of Lizzie, we head to her house and her husband appears to be painfully uninterested in her. She tells us she got pregnant as soon as she was married, then pregnant again, so it would appear they didn’t realize they have nothing in common. She isn't getting enough sex and has no problem telling us. Why do these chicks insist on humiliating their men? They all do it, and I find it uncomfortable to watch.

Shannon is decorating for Christmas and feels the need to tell us what she pays for stuff. It’s gross. Her kids are beautiful and funny. Then her husband David comes in and the humiliation is on. She talks to him with a horrible tone, tells him he talks with his mouth full, and he takes it. I’m guessing he’s got a mistress he escapes to when he can’t handle his wife is a complaining and whining hag. They are very awkward.

Jumping to Tamra, her oldest son Ryan is working as a manager at the gym. He is lost and has been since we met him. The kid is a mess, has no direction, and the tone in which he speaks to his mother is rude. She is frustrated and so her tone is not much better, but like all the grown children of the ladies are OC, he is ungrateful and disrespectful. Ryan clearly needs a check, but why are we forced to watch him get one?

Shannon has brought her Feng Shui expert to Vicki’s office for a consultation. Vicki says her divorce with Donn is dragging on because he is asking for spousal support. Vicki says she thought Feng Shui was only for “Asian people” and I just can’t with her. Vicki is a caricature and I’m bored. She is trying too hard. She is funny and sometimes entertaining, but her view of love, work, and money is unattractive.

Tamra is out with Danielle, who had the ugly sweater party and is a new “friend”. They're meeting the other ladies for a holiday dinner. They start drinking in the limo and Vicki immediately starts in on Lizzie. Lizzie is talking about herself so people can get to know her, but Vicki is not into her. Lizzie says she was valedictorian and Vicki wants to know how many people were in the class. Meow.

Lizzie says she won a couple of big pageants and Vicki responds by saying she would never want to be a pageant girl. Really? Like she ever had a shot in hell? Lizzie calls out Vicki for being mean and Vicki denies all wrongdoing. That is how Vicki rolls and Lizzie will learn it soon enough. They get to the restaurant, there is tension, musical chairs starts, and it is ridiculous. Heather wants to sit according to hair color.

Vicki wants to sit with Shannon and asks Heather to move over a seat. Shannon goes to the bathroom and Heather takes her seat back. Tamra tells her to move out of Shannon’s chair, and Heather is rolling her eyes and pissed off to be asked to move. Shannon is amazed she is dealing with this childish behavior and I agree. Shannon wants to let it go, but Heather keeps talking about it over and over again. Ugh.

Shannon talking about Heather is perfection. Heather wants to swap chairs after every course and I want to punch her. Heather tells the camera Shannon is crazy and scary. Shannon marvels at the twisted thought process of Heather, and I am Team Shannon on this. Dear Lord. Heather looks like an idiot. The truth is that Heather looks like an idiot most weeks so nothing new here. Shannon is hilarious.

Heather refuses to say Shannon lives in the same neighborhood because she is an elitist and wants to be fancier. Vicki is jealous of Lizzie and Tamra sitting together, which is lame. Vicki orders shots of tequila and everybody gets one but Lizzie. Lizzie assumes Vicki did it on purpose, which she didn’t, and I'm laughing at the behavior of these adult women. They are embarrassing.

Lizzie goes to the bathroom with Tamra, and Vicki bitches about Lizzie, who is talking to Tamra about what a bitch Vicki is. Then in the middle of a bustling restaurant, they start talking in groups of two, in front of each other. Tamra tells Lizzie Vicki is hard to get to know, but Lizzie is not interested in investing. This group is mean spirited, all pretending to be something they are not, which is classy and mature.

Shannon and Lizzie are the only real ones, but they are both horrible to their husbands and have not yet been sucked into the vortex that is the Real Housewives. They all start off great and end up just like the rest, fame whores fighting for camera time. Vicki says she is going back to work, but has instructed Brooks to be in her bed naked and ready for her at midnight. With that I am ready to hurl, which is keeping it real.