Real Housewives of New York Channel Grey Gardens

*Tonight's typos are brought to you by Patron.

We start this week with Sonja rehearsing for her “caberlesque” show in the Hamptons. This is sad. Brilliant television, but sad. This woman is fabulous. Funny, cute, kind, and clearly broken. To watch her humiliate herself for a paycheck she desperately needs is heartbreaking. I think Sonja Morgan is wonderful, but she is more Grey Gardens than Manhattan socialite and someone should be protecting her. People are laughing at her not with her.

The people working with Sonja make fun of her when she is not there, then kiss her ass when she arrives. She likens herself to Liza Minnelli and I am dying. Bless her. We jump to Carole and Kristen who are driving to the Hamptons together for Sonja’s show. Kristen is still mad at Josh for his leaving her behind at the Spartan race and goes with Carole to have a break. Translation: this show is scripted and silly, but we are watching.

Heather, Kristen, and Carole are now at a surfing lesson. It’s magic, or bad editing, depending how you want to look at it. Watching the ladies get into their wetsuits is hilarious. They look good.  Sonja arrives in the Hamptons with her interns in tow. It is a perk apparently to travel with Sonja. She is a mess and I feel bad laughing at her, but come on. She is ridiculous but really should have her own show. I would watch “The Sonja Show”.

Sidebar: Did Sonja just say she was excited about the hot water in the Hamptons because she does not have hot water at home because it is too expensive? Dear Lord. Is she trying to lose custody of her child? Why is nobody protecting this woman from herself? Back to surfing, Kristen and Heather are naturals, Carole not so much. The surf instructor is an Israeli and he is yummy, yummy, ding-dong. My oh my, that Charlie is divine.

Sonja arrives to her show and is talking about how she has no money. Ugh. Sonja says she’d like to meet Eminem sometime. Seriously, I love her.  Everyone arrives to the event except for Ramona who is in Africa. It also marks the return of Countless LuAnn. I guess she needed some money too. Kristen chats about Harry and says she was expecting him to be better looking since he’s banged everyone. I freaking love Kristen.

LuAnn meets Kristen and some friend of Aviva called Amanda who is an image consultant and looks like a bitch. No good can come of this chick being there. Sonja is prepping, Heather and Carole are avoiding Aviva, and something bad is going to happen. Oy Vey. Thank goodness it is margarita night at my house. Kristen does not understand how an image consultant can look like Amanda, Again, seriously, I love Kristen so much.

Aviva corners LuAnn and starts gossiping so she can get someone on her side. LuAnn lets us know she is not a fan of Carole and now we know why LuAnn is there. She is going to be Aviva's back up. I cannot stand Aviva. I will tell you right now this whole Aviva/LuAnn thing is going to make me nuts. Carole sees she is seated with Aviva and quickly changes the seating cards to move herself. Perfection. It’s time for Sonja’s humiliation.

I can’t. This is brutal. Amanda is insane and Heather is perfect at pointing it out. Sonja says there were 500 tickets sold. Not a shot in hell. Cut to the next day, we start off with Kristen who has a designer friend selling her wares. Sonja is there too, flirting with an Argentinean. Heather arrives and is lovely. Cut to Aviva who is having lunch with her husband, Amanda, and Harry. They are talking smack about Sonja, which is not nice.

There are clearly two groups of friends here and the division will be made clear at LuAnn’s BBQ. Each group is gossiping about the other and while Aviva and Carole are the team leaders, everyone else sitting in the middle. Harry is a pig, Amanda is a pig, and they are not at all interesting and should not be here.  Jump to Kristen having drinks with Aviva and Sonja is late. They have nothing to talk about. Kristen is funny and super pretty.

Time for LuAnn’s party. Nobody understands why Amanda is there and Sonja is jealous of Amanda and Harry.  Carole and Heather arrive and the tension is thick. Heather’s trainer Will is there and he is delicious. Amanda is bugging me, and Heather. Carole tells LuAnn she is sorry for hurting her feelings and LuAnn accepts the apology. Aviva is annoyed Carole made up with LuAnn and thinks it is because they are fighting. Aviva is an idiot.

Aviva is talking crap about Carole, without Carole there to defend herself. Sonja is blowing smoke up Aviva’s ass and Kristen is sitting in disbelief at the bullshit. Carole and Heather join in but Carole does not want to talk about the books again. Heather speaks up and Aviva is a nut job. Heather is calling Aviva out and I have officially fallen in love with Heather. Everyone is talking at once, the yelling starts, and I need a shot to get through.

LuAnn breaks it up and tells everyone to dial it back. She tries to let Carole and Aviva talk alone but it is not happening. Amanda threatens Heather and Heather is out of her seat and going after her. Next week will be more of the Hamptons, Heather getting down and dirty in the vocabulary department, and the madness will continue. This show is fabulous, these women are ridiculous, and only Heather and Kristen are keeping it real.