The Bachelor Premiere Recap

I love this show. By love of course I mean I hate it. By hate of course I mean I love to hate it, but mostly love it, and hate that I do. This is perfect reality television and if you are not watching, you must. It is painful and will make you drink and want to apply for a medical marijuana license, but it will also make you laugh, cry, scream, dream, hope, and mock.

Juan Pablo is our Bachelor and he is as handsome as he is simple. Not the brightest tool in the shed, bless him. Don’t tell me it is a language barrier because Spanish is his first language. He speaks English just fine. He is just a little bit simple. Not dumb, just simple. By simple of course I mean he’s dumb. He is also handsome, charming,& funny.

He is the most perfect Bachelor ever selected and everything that women swoon over. Sexy as hell, a dad who thinks his child hung the moon, and able to laugh at himself. He is lacking the gay gene that so many Bachelors have had, and is interesting, which few Bachelors have been. I have never been so excited to watch women humiliate themselves.

Juan Pablo has a daughter, Camila, who is about to turn 5. She is adorable with a great personality that we can see without talking to her. She will be a fun part of the show. She is bilingual and her Mom is in her life. Wonder what she thinks of this. Camila will be with her dad while he is in LA, which I like. We are going Latin people and it will be hot.

Important to note that if you are looking for a Bachelor love blog, this is not it. I find this show offensive to women, bad for love, and a complete crock of shit. I also believe somewhere deep in my heart that love is grand and this fabricated fairytale can work. It can’t of course, but watching them try is both fun and excruciating. Buckle up people because it is on. Here we go!

Once we meet Juan Pablo and hear all about his dream of finding love, we see him have a visit with Sean, the last Bachelor. Sean annoys the hell out of me. He is just weird and I don’t like him, or believe anything he says. It is stupid that he is even here on the premiere and so I am going to skip over his visit. I will go on record and say that I don’t think Sean will marry Katherine.

I really wish Chris Harrison was not on this show. He is just not that entertaining or interesting, and his hair color is not the right shade. After 400 seasons of this show we don’t need him to walk us through it anymore and I think the show would be better without him, or perhaps a younger person. He seems old and out of place with these young people. Just saying.

Here are the 27 women trying to win the heart of Juan Pablo and my initial predictions based simply on how they acted when they exited the limo:

Amy L.: News Reporter, not a shot in hell

Cassandra: Makeup Artist, not a shot in hell

Christy: Marketing Manager, not a shot in hell but he’ll bang her

Christine: Police Support, not a shot in hell

Nikki: Pediatric Nurse, I predict a hometown date

Kat: Medical Sales Rep., not a shot in hell

Chantal: Account Manager, not a shot in hell

Victoria: Legal Assistant, I predict top 10

Lucy: Free Spirit/Homeless Girl, not a shot in hell

Danielle: Psychiatric Nurse, not a shot in hell

Lauren: Composer, not a shot in hell

(Her entrance with the piano was horrific, his reaction was perfection.)

Chelsie: Science Teacher, I predict a hometown date

Valerie: Personal Trainer, mean girl Producers will make him keep for drama

Elise: Teacher, not a shot in hell

Ashley: Teacher, not a shot in hell

Clare: Hairstylist, fake pregnancy entrance, my top pick, I LOVE HER

Alli: Nanny, I predict top 10

Amy J.: Massage Therapist, not in a million years, whack job

Renee: Real Estate Agent and Single Mom, I predict top 10

Lauren H.: Mineral Coordinator, mentally unstable, not a shot in hell

Maggie: Personal Banker, I predict top 10

Kelly: Dog Chick, never going to happen, not a shot in hell

Lacy: Nursing Home Owner, I predict top 10

Alexis: Communications Director, not a shot in hell

Kylie: Interior Decorator, not a shot in hell

Sharleen: Opera Singer, Canadian, I predict a hometown date

Andi: Gang Prosecutor, I predict top 10

All the girls are in the house and so the madness begins. Juan Pablo decides to play music and they are going to dance. Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Juan Pablo is making NO decisions and deciding NOTHING on this show. Every date and every location is decided for him. The scenarios in the show are scripted and he is just going along for the ride. Know it.

They also have a photo booth for everyone to make a fool out of themselves. The women are commenting on how Juan Pablo brought in the photo booth, and decided to have a dance party, and I am laughing my ass off. He is being paid a lot of money to be there and be sexy, not come up with ideas. Do they really think he told the producers, hey, let’s get a photo booth. As if.

The one-on-one visits begin and the first one up is Nikki, but he can’t remember her name. He told us early on he was not good with names, but the first girl? Really? Single mom is up and Juan Pablo remembers her son is named Ben, which is freaking awesome. He can’t remember the names of the girls, but did know the name of the kid, which I think is fantastic.

Homeless girl is up next and she is not wearing any shoes. I’m thinking she is probably a Jew since Jewish chicks on reality TV are always lunatics. This chick is insane and she put her bare feet on him, which was disgusting. Massage chick is next and she is off the charts creepy. Nothing cute about this girl and her dress is hideous. Oh. My. God. Cut her loose now.

Christy’s fake boobs are distracting, the first impression rose is brought in, and crazy is about to hit the fan. Everyone is clamoring for time with him and working themselves up over the first rose. Sidebar: Juan Pablo seems to be into blondes and boobs in terms of his type. It is even numbers in terms of blondes and brunettes so it will be interesting what type he decides on.

Girls are freaking out about spending time with Juan Pablo and Lauren H. is having a nervous breakdown. She cannot stop crying and it is humiliating. She NEVER should have come on the show less than a year after being dumped. She is a hot mess, completely embarrassing herself, and I am both crushed for her and laughing my ass off. This chick is cringe worthy.

She is telling him that a minute ago she was getting married, and she doesn’t get to see his kid, and I want to die for her. I am willing her to shut up and yet she keeps going. Dear Lord. If he could have sent her home right there he would have. I am laughing at her and crying for her at the same time. More laughing than crying, but still, my heart breaks for this loser.

Juan Pablo is making his rounds through the girls, nobody has gotten a kiss, some are clearly interesting to him, more are not. He is going to pick 6 girls that he thinks he might like and the rest will be selected by the producers because they are good television. The obviously psychotic will be cut of course, but the TV crazy will live to see another week or two.

He is chatting with Sharleen and he is digging her in a big way. He loves her dress, gives her his coat, thinks she is gorgeous and cosmopolitan, and he is crushing on her. Important to note that she is Canadian and Canadian girls rock. Yes. I am Canadian. He is talking about how great she is and she is telling the camera that she feels nothing for him. Oh. My. God.

Juan Pablo offers her the first impression rose and she says “seriously?” There is an awkward pause while she thinks about it, then says “sure”. It is painful. He tells the camera how much he likes her, and she tells the camera how not into him she is.  The other girls see that she is not excited or particularly happy and they are pissed. This is a freaking great season.

The rose ceremony has finally arrived and the winners are:

Sharleen, Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantal, Lauren S., Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, and Kat get roses. Sidebar: Kylie thinks he calls her name and goes to get the rose, he corrects her and says he was calling Kat. Oh. My. God. Freaking awesome. Victoria, Christy, Lucy, Elise and Amy L. get the rest of the roses and nine chicks are sent home on the first night.

Christine, Valerie, Ashley, Amy J., Lauren H., Maggie, Lacy, Alexis, and mortified Kylie are out. Lauren H. is still humiliating herself by crying and I am fascinated by how she wipes her tears in towards her nose, not away form her nose like normal people. Bless her. Not sure I can blog this train wreck every week. I will perhaps live tweet and blog at the end.

This show is everything that is good about reality television, as well as everything that is bad. It is fun and sad, shocking but predictable. I watch knowing what will happen, and at the same time sitting on the edge of my seat. I am watching, I am drinking, and I am hooked. Join me next week on Twitter @ILANA_ANGEL where I will be watching and keeping it real.