Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in the Gutter

*Typos are generaously sponsored by Grey Goose.

We start this week at Brandi’s with a panty shot, which was not necessary and Bravo sleaze. Brandi is visiting with her friend Jennifer and saying she used her boyfriend to get a house. It was a play on words, but she is on and off with him. Jennifer doesn’t think JR is the right person for Brandi, and Brandi wants to end it nicely. She goes back and forth about what she needs him for, and the attempt at humor is not working.

Brandi gets in the bath, we see her naked, and I wonder if this is the best choice for. Over to Joyce, we find out she created the “Queen of the Universe” pageant. Oy Vey. She is beautiful and speaks of moving to Beverly Hills with nothing but a reservation. Really? She checked into The Beverly Wilshire so trust me, she had money.  We meet her two young sons and they are yummy. Her husband is apparently the best lover. Ugh.

Over to Carlton’s, she is moving furniture with her nanny Lizzy, a very pretty girl, but completely inappropriate in terms of how she speaks with her employer. In my opinion. Carlton’s home is gothic. She has invited all the women over for lunch to get to know them better. She is not a fan of Kyle’s. Welcome to the club. By the club of course I mean everyone who watches this show. I like her and perhaps the Nanny will grow on me. Or not.

At Yolanda’s house she is out of the hospital and has a nurse over for a home visit. Gigi is with her and eating, while her mom watches her like a hawk. It’s strange. Watching Yolanda struggle with illness is very touching. She is brave to share it on camera. Gigi is heading to college and Yolanda is proud but will miss her. Yolanda spends a lot of time comparing herself to Gigi, which makes me uncomfortable. She needs to let her stand alone.

Brandi is at lunch with JR and they have an awkward double kiss. Brandi then has the “talk” with JR. Really? On camera? Lame. Brandi tells him she wants him in her life but the relationship is over. She then calls him out for doing shady things. Brandi says she is F’d up from her divorce and has trust issues. We are instantly reminded of why we love her. She is real, makes the same mistakes we all make, only we get to see her's on camera.

Jumping to Lisa, she is still not feeling well after her fainting, and says she wouldn’t be sad if she were voted off DWTS. This is a load of crap. Sshe wanted out because she knew she was never going to win and wanted to save face by going out with illness. Whatever. She was eliminated and even if she hadn’t fainted she would have been gone. Something is not kosher in her recollection but who cares? She got voted off and life goes on.

Lunch is on at Carlton’s. Kyle’s dress is hideous and her sense of fashion is up her ass. Kim, Brandi, and Joyce all drive together so they can have a scripted moment.  The nanny and another girlfriend are serving lunch, which is just strange. Hire a waitress. Yolanda arrives and looks fab. Shame about the hair. Carlton makes a joke about kissing her son and wanting tongue. I freaking LOVE this chick. She may be the most authentic housewife.

Back in the limo, Kyle is talking about her dog’s diarrhea, then moves onto Lisa fake fainting on DWTS. Kyle is just mean to the core. I am over talking about Lisa on DWTS and the women making fun of it is stupid.  They arrive to lunch and everyone fake kisses and settles in. Yolanda and Kyle do not like each other. Probably because Kyle is a vindictive and skanky bitch. Kyle asks Carlton if she is Catholic, based on the crosses, and I want to smack her.

Lisa arrives and Kyle kisses her as if she didn’t talk shit about her forever. Dumbass. Kim and Kyle are making fun of Carlton’s house. Bitches. Brandi tells Lisa that Kyle said she fake fainted. Lisa is offended, Brandi backpedals and says they were joking. Kyle, Joyce and Kim join and deny they said Lisa was faking. Kyle is an idiot. Brandi says she feels bad for talking bad of Lisa as it was bitchy. Yes it was but Brandi needs to pick a side.

Kyle asks Carlton about witchcraft and I am laughing at Kyle because she truly is idiotic. Carlton has Kyle’s number and I hope she rips her a new one this season. I want to be friends with Carlton. Lisa says there are witches in the group but Carlton is not one of them. Bam!  Carlton gives them a tour of the house and her bed is the single greatest thing I have ever seen. Freaking awesome. I’m over people talking about her house and witches. Boring.

Everyone comments on the hot Nanny and Kyle changes the subject, probably because Mauricio bangs a lot of nannies. Brandi uses the C word in conversation. Oy vey. I am not offended by that word, but using it at lunch is for shock factor. Everyone jumps on Brandi for using it and Yolanda reminds the ladies they are not Brandi’s mother. Sidebar: I am completely grossed out by how Kyle continuously picks her teeth with her tongue. Disgusting.

The women are now talking about their vaginas and penis size. For the love of God. I’m done. People want to get to know Carlton, but Brandi asks Kyle about Mauricio cheating. Kyle is pissed off and I love that someone is willing to call Kyle out because she has no problem calling other people out.  Yolanda points out that the tabloids are usually providing some truth. Amen. The entire season will be about Kyle defending her marriage, then we will see pictures of Mauricio with his mistres and it will be sad. Nobody wishes that on another woman. Ever.

Kyle says she and Mauricio are in love and liars can suck it. They are solid and nothing will tear them apart. She cries to the camera in her interview and it is lame. Next week looks like it will get nasty. I can deal with nasty and mean, because women are, but I will check out if this show gets dark. It will be sad if Beverly Hills takes a turn for New Jersey. They better get a grip and start paying attention. It is my favorite group so they better keep it real.