Real Housewives of Orange County is Finally Over!

Typos this evening are generously and gloriously sponsored by Patron.

It is finally coming to an end.  We will need to watch Tamra’s wedding special, because we are masochists like that, but for the regular season, it is over. We start the final hour of what should have only been one hour, talking with Heather.  She sold her house and is happy about it. She is also an actress and was frustrated by her husband.

She truly does talk to her husband like he is a moron, then he placates her by talking to her like she is a moron, and they both come across as not that appealing.  The tension between Heather and Terry can be traced back to onion rings.  She is a bitch.  She refers to their dinner party as HER party, and I am not paying attention.  Why are reality TV Jews always such idiots? Such a shame.

Heather wants to be thought of as being valuable in her marriage. Okay. Over to Jim and Alexis, Andy says they tried to paint a good picture of themselves.  I met them recently and he is a little odd, but the truth is he loves his wife, they have a strong connection, a shared faith, and it is sweet. Tamra thinks Alexis shows a staged marriage. I’m bored.

Time to talk about Tamra and Eddie.  That they are wasting time about his delay in setting the wedding, after we know they are already married and Bravo is shoving her wedding special down our throats, is a waste of time. Tamra looks beautiful and happy, but I could not care any less about her wedding.  I’m watching her special though, which is pathetic.

Time for Briana to join the reunion and she is not sitting with her mom. Weird. Her baby Troy is gorgeous.  I feel for her being alone while her husband is in Afghanistan, and I respect people in the military, but Ryan is an ass.  Briana is making excuses for Ryan’s behavior at the Winter Wonderland party and it is a crock. Briana is lying and I’m not into it.

Briana is crying, without tears, and saying her husband was not to blame. Lydia calls her out on it and Briana shuts it down.  We find out Briana and the baby have moved out of Vicki’s house.  Now it is time to talk about douchelord Brooks.  She is dating him, but also dating other people. Vicki shuts it down and will not discuss what Brooks did to disrespect Briana.

It is going to get ugly people. Shot time!  Whoo hoo! Vicki admits Brooks has disrespected her, denies it was physical, Briana indicates it was, and I am uncomfortable watching because clearly there is some major lying happening. Briana says Brooks spoke of his genitals to her and Briana storms off. Vicki is still defending Brooks and it is just strange.  Classic abuse.

Brooks comes in and starts off by apologizing to Briana.  He says she read an email from him to Vicki telling her he loved her while she was still married to Donn.  Interesting.  Briana is ready to rumble and Brooks is cool as a cucumber.  Briana says Brooks told Ryan to hit her and drops the F Bomb. He admits he said it to Ryan and everyone is jumping in with questions.

Briana says he was abused as a child, Lydia starts crying and leaves the room.  Brooks says it was taken out of context and Vicki leaves saying she will not do this to Brooks.  No comment about Briana, only Brooks.  Dear Lord.  Vicki is a moron. They go to show a montage of Vicki and Brooks but Briana is going off on Brooks and that he calls his member “Girth Brooks”. Funny.

For the love of God, I think Ryan is a loser, but I believe Briana when she speaks of Brooks.  That he would submit himself to this public humiliation is fascinating.  What a pig. This is mortifying.  Lydia is back, Briana is done, and Vicki is a complete idiot. Over to Tamra, she says she went to lunch with Brooks to make sure he was not hurting Vicki, as if he would tell her.

We will never know the truth until Vicki is brave enough to tell it, but my opinion is that Vicki is desperate and lonely. She is also used to abusive relationships and is attracted to them.  Whether it is physical or emotion abuse, she seems to be most comfortable when she has it, which is truly heartbreaking.  It’s like an addict that rejects an intervention.

The women are now pushing Vicki and it is strange.  Everyone is telling her Brooks is not the right one for her, but she is still defending Brooks over Briana.  Vicki is bawling and Praise the Lord, THERE ARE REAL TEARS!!!  God Bless you Vicki.  Brooks tells Vicki he will leave her. Vicki says she will leave him, then compares Brooks to Slade.  Time for another shot!

Vicki says Gretchen stuck by Slade when everyone hated him and they made it.  She feels if she hangs onto Brooks, they may have true love too.  Oy vey. I might loose my shot.  Brooks says he is done because he loves her enough to let her go.  Crapfest.  Brooks says good bye to Vicki and leaves, she cries real tears, and all the women come to comfort her.  Icky.

Vicki says she hates her life and wants her family back.  Only took her a year to figure it out.  Bless her simple mind and stupid heart. And so it ends for the original houswives. It was a long and painful season.  It should also be the last season.  These women have run their course and we need to say goodbye.  No chance of them going away though.

Bravo is going to milk this cash cow until the very last penny drops.  The women take turns talking about how the season went down and they all make it very clear that they want to come back for another year.  Vicki is rambling and I am done.  Time for one final shot of tequila. Thanks for a fun season ladies, even though I was the only one keeping it real.