Real Housewives of New Jersey Rumor Mill Recap

Typos this evening are generously sponsored by my friend, Captain Morgan.

We are back in New Jersey and after a painfully boring RHOC reunion, we are happy to be here!   We start with the continued peace between Teresa and Melissa.  Teresa is building her empire and while still delusional enough to think Melissa is supporting her. Melissa shows Teresa the cover of her book.  Teresa, like all of us, does not understand why she wrote a book about marriage and did not include her husband on the cover.  I’m guessing it is because she will soon have another husband and so she can say the same principals apply for the new one.

Rumors of Melissa cheating are flying and she is passive aggressive in how she talks about it with Teresa. She continues to blame Teresa for everything. No matter how much glitter you put on a band-aid, it is still going to hurt like a mother when you rip it off.  We cut to Jac who is back after her plastic surgery. She had a tummy tuck, using the extra skin removed from her gut to build herself a neck.  Medicine these days really is amazing.  Jac has a truly remarkable reunion with her youngest son, then uses the personal moment to forward her own agenda to get sympathy.

Jac is hideous, but not nearly as gross as Kathy and Richie.  They are shopping and I am not paying attention.  Without watching it that closely I can tell you that Kathy is mortified by him, he says something ridiculous and humiliates himself and her.  End of scene.  Each time this couple is on the show it is the same scene and there truly is no need to watch.  Cut to Richie, Joe and Chris out for a cigar. Rich is a pig, Joe is a pig, Chris has had a lobotomy of some kind, and rather than take Melissa out for a romantic celebration of her birthday, Joe invites everyone to go with them.

Is there a chapter in Melissa’s book that says the best way to stay married is to not spend time alone with your husband?  She is full of shit, their marriage is not nearly as great as they want us to think it is, and Rich needs to get the hell off my TV.  He is offensive to not only his family, but to all of us watching.  Over to Caroline and Albert, we are continuing to watch their marriage fall apart. She clearly loves him, he clearly cannot stand her, and the kids see it too.  It is embarrassing for her and I feel bad. Caroline needs to not air her dirty laundry anymore. 

Lauren is out with Vito and she is just not that into him.  She adored him when she thought he was all she could get, but now she thinks she can get someone better so he is not appealing.  She says she is into her work, which translates to her wanting to skank around.  She does not want to get married, he wants to move in with her, she is not into that either.  I feel bad for Vito.  He should run for the hills away from that one. Sidebar:  Is it just me or does Joe Gorga sound like Emeril Lagasse?  I kept expecting him to shout “BAM”. This show is boring. I need another drink.

Joe tells Melissa he has invited everyone on her birthday trip.  She is okay with it, but not when it comes to Teresa and Juicy.  She wants peace?  Right. The gang is out smoking hookah, which is gross.  Jac comes, without Chris, which is just weird.  Get a babysitter so your husband can come after you just left him alone for a week to get your neck re-built.  Jac is a selfish bitch and unless she needs Chris to set up a scene about how hard her life is taking care of her children, he is of no use to her. Everyone agrees to the trip and to celebrat,  Melissa dances for money.

Teresa is launching Milania Hair Care and calls Melissa to tell her Jan and Penny, the people spreading rumors about her, will be there.  Teresa lets Melissa know she has her back and she will support her.  She will choose family over friends and wants her to not only prepare, but not be afraid. Good for her.  Melissa and Joe are talking shit in front of their kids again and it bothers me.  They all do it and it is just wrong.  They know it is wrong but still do it.  Fame trumps their kid’s wellbeing and I think it is shameful.  The party should be interesting and Joe says he will go.

Caroline and Kathy are comparing husbands and I cannot get past Caroline’s hair. Kathy is taking marital advice from Caroline, which is interesting since Caroline has no idea who her husband is.  It is the blind leading the blind, or in this case, dumb leading dumb.  Kathy has had enough of Richie controlling her and she is going to put her foot down.  Good luck with that.  Enough of that crap, Milania is on and this kid needs her own show.  I FREAKING LOVE HER.  She is wearing a stuffed bra so she can look like an adult and it is hilarious.  I want to hang out with her.

They cut back and forth between Teresa and Melissa, who are both getting ready for the party.  Melissa has a fake friend to talk to since she has lost her real friends, and Teresa is talking to Kim D.  Oy vey.  No good can come of this.  Kathy stands up to Rich but I was throwing out the trash and missed it. We are at the launch party and the masses are arrived.  Penny arrives with my pal Will Love, shout out to you my friend!  Jan arrives and Melissa is visibly shaken at the sight of her.  Kim D. is stirring the pot, Jan is grasping 15 minutes, and it might get ugly.

Melissa is on the defensive, Teresa is trying to clear her name, Jan is a loser, and Penny is there for a scripted piece of crap. Who cares?  Did Melissa cheat?  If she did, Joe has forgiven her, and if she didn’t, she should be thankful the accusations are there because they are only thing driving her story line. If people were not interested in her marriage she would not have any screen time or a book deal. Melissa is certain Penny is someone’s puppet and when she asks her point blank who involved her in the drama, Penny says Teresa had nothing to do with it.

Melissa tells Teresa she can leave and she will handle it with Joe.  Teresa is hanging around and Melissa and Joe think she looks guilty in her objections. The big fight is nothing but a bunch of bitches yapping.  Next week they go away for Melissa’s birthday. Maybe that will be interesting.  This show is desperately trying to engage us but keeps missing the mark.  I will keep watching of course, party because it is my job, but also because I think it is good TV.  My patience will grow thin, I will complain about having to watch, but I will because in the end I love it, and I blog it because I am paid to keep it real.