Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Tea and Crap

We start the first episode in the new time slot with a review of the tension between Adrienne and Brandi. The opening shot is of Kyle putting on her makeup, which seems to be a favorite of hers.  She is showing us how many extra clothes she has and fake laughs with her horrible husband.  She gossips to him about Lisa being upset in Vegas and her wanting to go and iron things out with her.  She tells Mauricio he knows how much she hates this stuff, and I am laughing my ass off.  Kyle LOVES this stuff.  She is now creating her own camera time.  Bless her.  Bitch.

Kyle arrives to Lisa’s house and after a quick minute Lisa gets into it with her. I love Lisa.  Kyle tells Lisa she did not think she needed to be defended, and then blows smoke up her ass.   Kyle says everyone is fighting and didn’t want it to get worse, which is a truckload of crap.  Kyle likes to fight.  So much so that she starts most of them.  Kyle says she never should have mentioned Adrienne and again, I am laughing.  Am I drunk?  Perhaps a little, but I am laughing at the shear silliness of it all.  Kyle then says that all the problems can be traced back to Brandi.  Bitch.

Lisa is not allowing Kyle to sweep everything under the rug and I am loving it. Kyle is an idiot, Lisa is a lady, and in the end you can’t fight with stupid. Lisa asks Kyle to simply apologize for not defending her, but Kyle won’t say it. She then fake cries.  Not because she is upset, but rather because she knows the cameras are rolling, we will all see it and once again see that she is a wretched bitch.  Kyle crashes and burns, Lisa is clearly hurt, and in trying to be funny, Kyle shows her black and wicked heart.  She loves to be on camera but forgets that we are all watching.

Brandi is visiting with Yolanda, who says she appreciates Brandi’s honesty. Yolanda pulls the poverty card because she is only able to afford one horse. Really?  Between her current husband, and her other one, she is not hurting for money I’m sure.  It made her look ridiculous.  Brandi thanks Yolanda for defending her in Vegas, and shares she is nervous about the tea party Lisa is having because she will be with Adrienne.  I like Yolanda and Brandi together.  Nice to see beautiful women with big balls.  That said, Yolanda talking about how poor she is, is offensive.

Yolanda reminds Brandi that Adrienne is a nobody in the big scheme of things and she should not be intimidated by her rich girl bullying.  At the tea we see exactly how spectacular Lisa’s home is.  There is not a lemon in sight and Yolanda has nothing on this chick.  Jax and Peter from Vanderpump Rules are there to tend bar and it is hilarious.  Brandi arrives first and notices the men, then turns quickly to her nerves.  I adore Lisa and Brandi together. Sidebar:  Having seen them together at Brandi’s book launch, I saw their authentic feelings for each other and love their friendship more.

Taylor arrives and gives Lisa a vibrator as a gift.  It is not wrapped, and simply odd.  Taylor is a hot mess and Brandi points out that she could have gotten something special like butt beads.  I freaking love Brandi and Taylor makes me itchy.  We get a quick look at Giggy and can we just stop for a minute to say this is the most fantastic dog ever.  Ever.   After the tour is over the bitches start to arrive.  It going to get really ugly, really fast and surprisingly, I am dreading it more than I’m excited about it.  Of course Bravo is teasing us and it will be anticlimactic.

Marisa arrives, Adrienne stops on her way to pick up Kyle and Faye.  Faye? Why is the shit eating monkey going?  I don’t believe Lisa would invite her. Back at Lisa’s, Marisa says that after 16 years of marriage she could use a change in terms of sex.  Dear Lord.  This chick just can’t stop bashing her husband.  She is mean and I am embarrassed for her husband.  She better start being more careful because he is watching her throw him under the bus constantly.  Lisa is preparing the group for Adrienne’s visit while Kyle is prepping Adrienne for the visit.  Dear Lord.

Lisa confirms that Faye was not invited to the tea and is not sure whey Kyle brought her.   Adrienne is ignoring Brandi, Brandi is drinking, and Camille shows up.  I thought she was gone?  She needs to cut loose and go away.  Kim calls to say she was on her way to the house and got hit in the face by her dog.  Seriously? Was the dog in the car? Whatever. Kim is drunk, her excuses are lame, and I am over her.  That Bravo is keeping this woman on is horrific and they should be ashamed of themselves .  Kyle of course laughs at her sister and it is disgusting. Bitch.

The tea is fabulous and I am both impressed and jealous.  Lisa makes a toast to everyone and Brandi does not clink with Adrienne, Lisa sees it, and makes her do it.  They are the Ethel and Lucy of Beverly Hills.  They try to get Taylor to do a back flip so everyone can check out her ass, and she says if she breaks her neck she will sue, since the group like to sue so much.  Bam. Love it.  Good for Taylor.  Then she wrecks it by reminding Kyle that she sent her and Russell away from her white party last year.  Taylor is unable to have a conversation that is not about her.

Lisa takes Brandi and Taylor away from the table and reprimands Taylor for talking crap about lawsuits.  Taylor agrees to stop doing it, then goes to sit down and immediately tells Adrienne that Brandi is saying she is suing. Taylor is mentally unstable, Adrienne is nervous, Lisa and Brandi come back, and Taylor immediately starts up with the lawsuit again.  Brandi is trying to take the high road, but Taylor will not let it go.  Adrienne denies suing Brandi, Camille supports Adrienne, and Brandi is not having it.  Lisa sits there and does not defend Brandi which is unfortunate.

Adrienne calls out Brandi for tweeting about her and her “camp”, while Brandi insists that Adrienne is suing her.  We are 55 minutes and finally get to the good stuff only to discover the good stuff is not that good and only lasts a minute.  Damn you Bravo.  Adrienne says Brandi tweets about Bernie. Well we all know Bernie is a schmuck and getting paid to talk shit about Brandi.  Adrienne is offended by Brandi, and Brandi wants her to admit she is suing her.  Adrienne says Brandi is obsessed with her and Adrienne is lying out of her ass.   Brandi leaves and it is annoying.

Why does Lisa not insist that Brandi sit back down and ask Adrienne to leave? It was all a big tease by Bravo and I am disappointed in this episode. I am bored with Brandi having to defend herself to the group all the time. Adrienne is a liar and that these women don’t see it proves that their Botox has done damage to their brains.  We are crawling through the mud and I am ready for it to be over because Bravo is not respecting me as a viewer. Time for these women to stop injecting and realize that Adrienne is garbage and Brandi is actually keeping it real.