The Bachelor is Down to his Final Two

Dear Lord. Please make this show end.  I am so bored and at the point where this show is simply painful.  Sean goes on and on about the women and I want to stick my hand down my throat and remove my own kidney so I can throw it at the television.  I will never understand why this show is two hours long.  Mike Fleiss must be banging someone at ABC.  By banging of course I mean supplying them with drugs because there is no way these people are not high.  How else can they think two hours is acceptable?

The recapping they do makes me angry.  We are watching the same thing over and over again.  The actual new content each week is probably about 30 minutes and could be stretched out to an hour, not two hours of complete and total crap.  At minute 15 we finally get new stuff.  We are now in Thailand and on a date with Lindsay.  They are sweet together, I like her, and she is my pick.   Important to note that I am watching along with all of you and do not read any spoilers.  I want to be surprised.

In a desperate attempt to be brave like her fake slutty boyfriend, Lindsay eats a bug at the open market.  Really?  Lindsay is an idiot. Bless her. Sidebar: Just when I thought this show could not get more offensive, there are tweets up on my screen.  Are these new?  Have they been there all season and I was too drunk to notice?  I want them gone.  Who cares? I bet half of them are written by the high editor, not real people.  Lindsay is in love, their kiss noises are creepy, and I think I might hurl.

Lindsay tries to tell Sean she loves him but can’t get it out.  A Thai troupe of dancers comes out and the moment is gone.  Instead she will go to the fantasy suite and have sexual relations with him.  Remembering that he is a born again virgin, the definition of sexual relations is up for interpretation, but there is something going on with those two crazy kids.  By crazy kids of course I mean pathetic freaks who cannot possibly believe that love can be found in this way.   I absolutely love how ridiculous this show is.

In the fantasy suite Sean is blubbering on about how great their future could be and Lindsay finally tells him she loves him to the crescendo of cheesy romantic music.  She tells the camera the moment is life changing as we watch her get led off to bed.  I am dying.   While Lindsay’s Army General dad watches his baby be led off for sex at home, we are about to start our next date.  Perfection.  We are with Little Orphan AshLee for her big day and you just know her gushing means she will be sent home tonight.

AshLee is scared of everything and trusts nobody, so the perfect date is to be led through an underwater cave in the dark.  Brilliant.  She is going to look death in the eye for love.  AshLee is an idiot.  Bless her.  Sean is never, in a million years and for a million dollars, going to marry a girl who got married at 17 in order to piss off her mom.  Never going to happen.  He has clearly checked out and is in it for the boobs while she is going on and on about how much she loves him and he is her soul mate. Oy vey.

They are at dinner and Sean is a talented boy because she can blow smoke up her ass while he is pouring her a glass of wine.  Round of applause please. Ashlee is acting like there is a chance she will actually say no to the fantasy suite and I am doing a shot of tequila to get through it.  She is not only going to the suite, but she will do some blowing of her own.  They are off to the sex suite and as her parents watch back home, cut to commercial so we can come back for Catherine’s shot at slutty Sean.

I don’t get Catherine.  I find her to be weird and rather odd.  By odd of course I mean it is as though she is on lithium, looking off into the distance when she talks to Sean, never looking him in the eye.  She is not that into him, is clearly talking herself into him, and I think she should go home because she is annoying.  Her sisters were strange, her voice is nagging, and the poor girl does not own a hairbrush.  It makes me crazy that she will not look at him.  Not when she is talking, or when he is talking.

The dinner conversation between Catherine and Sean makes me want to stick a toothpick in my eye and once I eat the final olive in my martini, I might in fact do it.  All three of these morons tell Sean they were unsure what to do about the fantasy suite and it is hilarious.  They were always going to go to the fantasy suite.  They know it, he knows it, we know it.  Sean manages to bag all three chicks and I am pissed off because I enjoyed my final olive but dropped the toothpick.  I think it might be under the couch.

Listening to Sean recap his week with Chris Harrison is too much.  I honestly cannot stand it.  Harrison is useless.  His questions, hand movements, facial expressions, and looks of deep thought and compassion make me pee myself.  Sean is going on and on about how he already knows who he is dumping.  It is Ashlee of course. This show is so predictable.  Every single time she said she loved him it was another nail in her coffin.  I do not like Sean, despise Chris, and am on the floor looking for a toothpick.

Watching the video messages to Sean from the three losers is painful.  It is just another crapfest of recapping and I am bored.  Lindsay declares her love and that her goal is to devote herself to making him happy.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  Even in her video Catherine looks away from the camera.  She is a freak and there is no way he should pick her.  Blah. Blah. Blah. AshLee is crying in her video and telling him she has never been happier in her whole entire life.  Someone shoot her and end her misery already.

Ashlee is bawling and Sean is doing all he can to not laugh.  She is going home and mark my words, if she is the next Bachelorette I will not watch her season.  Not doing it.  We now have five minutes of dramatic music with Sean looking constipated.  AshLee leaves without saying a word to him, then cries in the car like all the losers before her.  Gawd!!!!  Ashlee wants us all to know that this experience was serious to her and not about laughing and having fun.  This was a real shot at fame damn it.

Next week will be the Women Tell Special and since I can’t remember who most of the women are, I won’t bother blogging it. I will be watching and there will undoubtedly be some gems so I will Tweet it.  I will be back for the finale and can’t wait.  More for it to be over than the actually outcome, but whatever.  My prediction is the letter they show being delivered is from his Mom not Catherine or Lindsay.  Predictable.  I will see you next week on Twitter where I will be drunk, but keeping it real.