Inner Disconnect

By Adam Siegel

Whether one is struggling with addiction or not, living in various states of disconnection has become a hallmark of modern life. Disconnection from our Source leaves us feeling alienated, alone, and afraid. At Beit T’Shuvah, we work to help each other reconnect to oneself, others and Gd. When I’m in a place of disconnection, there’s a persistent inquisitor committed to keeping me separated. He speaks from his own place of disconnection and makes me further question myself.

“Adam!”

“Why do you like giving bullets to your enemies? It takes some creative manipulation to dig yourself into the holes you find yourself. Seemingly, you prefer to swim in the murky bog of reluctance and indecisiveness rather than bask in the radiance of Truth. Even if life appears to be governed by paradox, where the path of righteousness looks to be unwieldy crooked and the path of crookedness looks to be pristinely straight, why can't you figure it out? What's so hard about appreciating the holiness you've been given? Don't you get it? Why is it that when given the opportunity to walk through the doorway of integrity, you plant your feet and let it shut in your face? Doesn't that hurt? Don't you deserve better?”

I've found that getting pulled out of this place generally involves collaboration, usually with others, but sometimes within myself. At these times, the dialogue is about togetherness and teamwork.

“Adam!”

“It seems like you're struggling, I can see it in your face. I know life can be difficult, let's try to figure this out together. We can use all of our talents; let's see how they work with each other. Don't forget we've done this before. Even if the path isn't clear, even if we don't seem to know the exact way, we can work through it. You don't have to do it all by yourself, help can come in many forms. Your spark, your spark of the Divine…we need it, we need you. Actually, we can't do it without you. Come, let us be here, let us dwell in the Holy presence of each other. Let us be here for each other.”

Truth be told, often times I'm fooled and end up drawn into a conversation with my inquisitor. Through this I'm reminded how much work is required to pull oneself towards a place of whole-ness. This is a lesson I fight to accept, despite knowing that I'll end up arguing with myself… further disconnected…alienated…alone…and afraid.