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November 16, 2000

God Invented Jewish Mothers Because…

Dear Deborah,
Last month my daughter found out that her husband was involved with their 14-year-old daughter’s best friend’s mother. I was shocked because although they had separated two months prior, I thought they were “working on the marriage.” My daughter put two and two together and realized that the affair had been going on a long time.

When she confronted her husband, he said that the friendship had become romantic about a year ago, but that they had not “gotten together” until he left the house and that they are “in love.” Within a couple of days, he and his “girlfriend” decided to tell the girls (their daughters) because they were worried about them finding out from other sources. Now everyone knows: family, friends and community.

My daughter feels humiliated and powerless. How can she handle seeing her husband and his new love at school functions, synagogue and when the girls socialize? What can we say when others ask or comment? My granddaughter seems to be “cool” about it so far, but obviously this news must be upsetting.

I have begged my daughter to get help, but she seems too crippled at this point to do anything but go to work, come home and go to bed. I have tried to be there to make a few meals and help out with my granddaughter by driving her to her lessons, etc., but I feel like I’m watching my daughter sink. Please advise.

Worried Mother

Dear Worried,

Grieving the loss of a marriage and reeling from the shock that her husband is in love with someone she and her daughter know intimately is like trying to clean up while a bomb is exploding in your living room. The fallout has not yet ceased to rain down upon the shell-shocked family, and as if that were not enough, the news is being broadcast live throughout the community. So take a deep breath or two or three and realize that all this will take time. A lot of it.

Your daughter and granddaughter are fortunate to have a caring, willing mother/grandmother to help them survive this crisis. So let’s roll up our sleeves and begin by understanding that your daughter’s devastation is completely appropriate. Furthermore, expect the rubble to continue its barrage into the future. Support your daughter’s right to be hurt, angry or whatever she feels, because it is by surviving – not denying or suppressing the feelings – that she will in time recover, shrink or no shrink. Ditto for your granddaughter. Recovery cannot be rushed or crammed into anyone else’s agenda.

To answer your immediate questions: 1. When others ask (because tact is just too damned much to hope for), answer with bare, minimal facts: “Yes, they are separated; yes, he is involved with X; and yes, it is a very difficult time for our family.” After that, should they press for details, tell them that while you appreciate their caring, you would prefer not to discuss it further. Prepare your daughter and granddaughter for damage control with dignity by using this technique. 2. Remind your daughter that the girls (her daughter and her daughter’s best friend) are innocent parties, children who need protection. Both their families have been devastated, as if adolescence alone were not grueling enough.

If your daughter is not yet strong enough to help her child, do offer to step in, of course, with permission. Explain that it is her right to have her needs met by her parents, and not the other way around. Listen to her feelings or respect her right not to express them, and tell her you are there for her.

As for how to handle school/shul/children’s events, your daughter must address them one event, one day, one breath at a time. The greatest mitzvah you could perform is to know that while you cannot stop your family’s suffering, you may spread your strong wings and provide a safe and soothing shelter for their suffering. May you be blessed with strength, endurance, wisdom and the ability to receive from others what you so readily give.

Guest Non Grata?

Dear Deborah,
My husband and I were active in our shul and had many friends. After he died seven years ago, I gave occasional parties, inviting those friends. I could tell that everybody had a great time each time they sincerely thanked me for such an enjoyable party. I’ve given approximately 10 parties, usually with different guests, about 10 guests at a time. I gave those parties because I enjoy them and always have enjoyed my guests’ company. I did not give them in order to be invited to their homes. However, not one of the guests has ever invited me to [his or her] home.

I thoroughly understand the demands on our busy lives. I have a full life with many activities and friends. I have buried the hurt because I eschew negativity. None of my friends have been rude. I wonder if their nonreciprocation has anything to do with my widowhood. I’m an “up” person, not gloomy. I make no demands upon anybody. I’d love to have another party soon. I don’t want to feel this subliminal rejection. I am pressured for time, but I take time to lead a balanced life.

Used?

Dear Used,
What? Miss Manners got your tongue? If you have a reasonably intimate relationship with any one of the “friends” you have entertained these past years you have every right to ask. How about something along these lines: “I love giving parties and entertaining, but I also love attending them. I am beginning to wonder if (a) no one besides me gives parties any more or (b) my widowhood gets me crossed off guest lists.” If, however, you do not feel comfortable asking, it is pointless to assume that the “nonreciprocity” has anything to do with your widowhood. It may be that a widow, widower or divorcee may cause some folks to quake in their party boots with the fear that their spouse will be swept away, but really, does the “why” really matter? The arrangement is simply no longer working, and face it, eight years is long enough to wait for an invitation.

It’s high time for a change. Seek friends who are as entertaining as willing to be entertained. No doubt your positive, party-girl spunk makes you ripe for the challenge.

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