Dear Deborah

Adolescent Anarchy

Dear Deborah,
Our 16-year-old daughter was reasonably happy and well-adjusted until this year when she started spending time with a new friend, “Amy.” We have never met “Amy,” but our daughter spends hours on the phone with her, usually ending up in tears by the end of the call. They are together at school and hang out together after school and on weekends.Our daughter has completely changed. She is surly, irritable, withdrawn and seems depressed. We think “Amy” is cruel to her and a bad influence. Our daughter refuses to discuss any of this or to get professional help. What might these girls be up to, and what should we do?
Wit’s End

Dear Wit’s End,
Adolescence is a savage ordeal, fraught with quixotic attachments, unfathomable cruelty and impossible anarchy. All parents can hope for is that their child is strong enough and equipped to handle all sorts of potential “bad influences,” including the absolute and adolescent-defining folly of believing one’s self to be mature.

Your daughter may or may not be in real trouble, but her refusal to discuss it makes it tough. Tell your daughter that the changes you have observed are too big to ignore and that since she refuses to discuss them, you have no recourse but to do your job as a parent. Start by phoning the school counselor or principal. Request that the school discreetly monitor the situation, getting feedback from teachers, counselors or coaches. While you did not specify your concerns beyond her withdrawal and depression, such as plummeting grades, drugs or sexual concerns, clearly you must deal with consequences for each problem. The more the consequence fits her actions and is not about your hurt, anger or disappointment, the better odds you have of actually helping your daughter.

You are the moron in your teen’s eyes no matter what you do or say because she thinks it is your lack of understanding – no, your very existence – that hinders her from adulthood. So forget about winning popularity contests and remember that it is your daughter’s job to execute whatever scandalous feat she must to make it possible to grow up and leave home. It is your job to perform the near-impossible: support, teach, protect, love and let go. And let go. And let go.

Misery’s Company

Dear Deborah,
My husband is an only child of parents who passed away when he was in his 20’s. He is now in his 40’s and has surpassed all their dreams for him professionally and financially, with a Jewish wife, children and a beautiful home. The problem is that he cannot enjoy what we have. It is impossible for him to relax or find interests outside work. His glass is always “half-empty.” I thought that when he “made it,” he’d lighten up, but although we have enough money to never worry, he still is worried. He dreads vacations and works through weekends.

His parents worked hard and were pessimistic, fearful people. They had escaped the camps and suffered great losses. They did everything for their only son so that he would have a better life. It plagues my husband that his parents did not live to see him succeed, meet their grandchildren or allow him to provide for them. It is as though unless his parents are here to share his success, he feels too guilty to enjoy it.He refuses counseling, and yet I wish I could help him. Although he adores our children, he is so often irritable or negative that I worry about his negative influence. Do you have any suggestions?
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
If your husband’s negativity is encoded in his personality, the odds of appreciable change are slim. If, however, it is solely a matter of habit – even a lifetime habit – and (and this is a big AND) if he indeed wants to change, it is completely possible.

Try this. Ask him if his parents would have wanted him to enjoy life. Remind him that their greatest wish was for him to have a “better life,” and therefore the best way to honor his parents’ memory is to savor his success. Let him know that while mere Jewish survival was indeed a victory against the Nazis, for children of survivors and subsequent Jewish generations, it is not enough. True victory is the ability to celebrate our freedom as Jews, to savor our blessings and open our hearts and the hearts of our children to the rich nuances of life.

A pile of gold in a safe, a castle devoid of laughter and children who live in the shadow of a parent’s gloom is indeed a hollow victory.

Enough About You

Dear Deborah,
I have a pet peeve I don’t know how to handle. Two of my long-term friends phone me only when they need something. They expect me to drop everything and help with each emotional crisis or problem, as if I do not have a life. They almost never ask about me, invite me to do things or even seem to care until the next crisis.

I do like aspects of each of these people – their humor, intelligence or ability to party – so I don’t want to end the relationships totally. But every time one of them calls, “human leech” is what comes to mind. Then I don’t return the call for days but feel so guilty I end up helping them and then feeling resentful all over again.Got any ideas?J.K.

Dear J.K.,
You have two basic themes, with endless possibilities for variation, as you consider putting an end to this stale act:

1. Express your feelings clearly without allowing toxic, “human leech” resentment to spill into the conversation. Either they will go away or change. 2. Or else continue doing what you are doing, and when one of the leeches calls, replace your former “human leech” mental image with one of yourself as “juicy, succulent and willing host to parasite.”

Deborah Berger, Psy.D., is a West Los Angeles psychotherapist. Her e-mail address is:deardeborah@jewishjournal.com