The Bachelor Pad Kicks Off With a 3 Hour Train Wreck

We start off our guilty summer secret with Chris Harrison doing an insane amount of hand motions while he talks.  He’s too old for this gig and needs to go.  This show is about fame whores searching for an additional 15 minutes. They are also looking for sex and money, which proves there are several types of whores on this show.  Here are the players:

Justin: Canadian who bailed out of Alli’s season because he had a girlfriend.  He is pissed, looking for revenge, and painfully uninteresting.

Jackie:  She was dumped by Brad, is a whiner and mean girl, and her tongue hangs too far out of her mouth when she speaks.

Michelle:  She’s a single mom and a crazy person.  Her dad has cancer and she wants to win so she can put money to help cancer research.  Right.

Gia:  She is as beautiful as she is stupid. She has a cute speech impediment and has managed to milk the Bachelor experience to the very last drop.

Vienna:  She won her season and was proposed to by Jake, the gay bachelor.  She has a lazy eye, and makes for fantastic television.  Best fake cry ever.

Casey:  He got a tattoo to show his love for Alli, and then she dumped him.  He is dating Vienna which shows us all he is sweet, stupid and desperate.

Jake:  He unwilling to embrace his true self and live his best life.  He and Vienna will be the fireworks, and conductors of the train wreck.

Erica: The fake Italian bachelor dumped her.  She has horrible lip injections, and a voice that makes me want to shove knives in my ears.

Graham: I have watched every show of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and I have absolutely no idea who this guy is.

Ella:  Another single mom and a really beautiful girl. I loved her on her season and I want her to win.  Even after just 5 minutes, she is my favorite.

Holly:  She was dumped by Matt but found love with Michael from Deanna’s season.  They were engaged and she was a runaway bitch bride.

Michael:  Surprise, surprise, Holly’s ex is in the house.  Exactly how desperate are these people to put themselves in such horrible situations?

Blake:  The dentist who just got dumped by Ashley. I’d be celebrating in The Bachelor Pad too I had gotten dumped by Ashley.

Ames:  He is my favorite and I wanted so much for him to be the Bachelor.  He is smart and lovely and so much better than this show.  Shame.

Melissa:  She’s a drama queen and will competing for the best fake cry against all the other skanks that are in for the money.

Alli:  I remember that she was cute, but that’s about it.  It will come back to me I’m sure, but for now she’s all good.

Kirk: He was dumped by Alli and on the first night in the Pad gets sloshed and hooks up with Erica.  Going to take a while to wash that one off.

William:  The cell phone salesman who wants to be a comedian and was the only one with the balls to properly roast Ashley.

Jake walks in and acts like he is the Mayor.  I’ve met Jake and he is quite sweet.  He is very short and has a used car salesman vibe, but still sweet.  He sees Vienna and tells her she looks nice.  It’s a nice gesture. Vienna checks herself out in the bar mirror and practices her cry.

Gia talks to Jake and tells him he needs to talk to Casey so there is no tension.  Jake goes to find Casey to assure him he is not there to hurt Vienna, just to win the money and move on.  He wishes them well and says he hopes they can be nice to each other.  Sincere, yet totally fake.

Everyone needs to couple up for the first challenge.  They strip down to bathing suits and hang onto each other suspended in the air.  First couple to let go wins and get to stay in the house, and have a private date away from the house.  This is the dumbest show on television.

Jake and Jackie win immunity.  Could this be more staged?  Why do they think we are so stupid and why are we so stupid we watch?  We are half way through the ridiculous 3 hour premier and I have gotten countless emails from watchers saying they can’t tune in any longer.

Cut to the hot tub where Vienna is being a bitch to Casey for dropping her, he tells her not to blame him, and she gets pissed because he promised they would not fight on camera.  If you have been dating 6 months and need to cut a deal to not fight on camera, are things good?

Vienna and Casey are fighting and she is certain she is getting the boot but come on, there is no way in hell the producers of this crap fest are going to let her leave.  We have an entire season of fighting and tension to watch and they are not letting half of it walk out the door.

The plotting and scheming is stupid.  By stupid of course I mean I honestly don’t think I can make it through this entire season without carving “shoot me” in my leg with a dull steak knife.  It’s a short season, which is a blessing, but still not sure I will be able to dumb myself down for long.

Jake and Jackie are going on their date and a little girl sees them and starts crying.  It’s sweet and he could not be kinder to her.  The best part is when Jackie says Jake is a real celebrity.  Jackie is so dumb.  He’s not a celebrity sweetie, he is a fame whore who is infamous for nothing.

They walk across Hollywood Blvd. with no people or cars in sight, which if you live here know is impossible without the street being shut down.  I’ve lost any respect I had for Mike Fleiss because he officially has no respect for his viewers.  He is a money whore just like the contestants.

Jake tells Jackie crap about Vienna and Jackie buys it all.  Back at the pad, Vienna is telling her version of the breakup, which is opposite of his story. Hard to know who to believe but I’m going with lazy eye on this one.  They broke up because he does not like to have sex with women.

Jackie and Jake have a rose to hand out and Jackie suggests they give it to Vienna as a peace offering.  Is she high?  Jackie thinks better of it in the morning and so we have to spend the next hour listening to her whine and about who to give it to.  If she wins she should get a nose job.

Jake talks to everyone about giving Vienna the rose and nobody agrees.  Gia, beautiful Gia is so dumb she tells Jake the Trojans won over the Greeks by hiding in an elephant, and that you cannot win a chess game without the queen.  Dear Lord someone help her.

Jake gives it to Vienna and Gia is heartbroken and can’t stop crying.  I need a drink.  I mean another drink.  By another of course I mean my third drink. He asks if he can talk to Vienna and Casey.  I am embarrassed to tell you all that I freaking LOVE this show.  What is wrong with me?

Jake tells Vienna he is sorry he yelled at her at their reunion.  I am listening to him and I think I might love him.  I’m drunk.  He is sweet and a gentleman and I find myself feeling bad for him, yet good for him because he’s a freaking good actor.  I bought his crap.  Bravo Jake.

Then is gets brilliant because Vienna gets up and leaves as he is apologizing, calls him a robot and Jake sits there with his big chance at an Emmy cut off in the middle.  Vienna is hugging Casey and telling him she wants his babies and what she is really thinking is about the money.

Back to Jake, he thinks it went perfectly and he is on his way to a friendship with Casey and Vienna.  The music they are playing is fantastic and Casey is going on and on about how he is protecting his girl.  Oh. My. God.  I am hooked and will be stuck watching every week.

There is about 20 minutes of scheming and I’m bored.  I am skipping over this part so I can get back to The Jake and Vienna Show.  The rose ceremony is pathetic and the music is ridiculous.  It drags out for what feels like another 3 hours and in the end Alli and Justin are sent home.

Justin goes out with a huff, grabbing Jake’s rose so he can finally leave with one.  He complains about Alli who cries in her farewell car ride.  Why or why did I watch?  I can’t look away now. I’m hooked.  The Jake and Vienna Show will be fun, painful and guaranteed to not be keeping it real.