The Pathetic Real Housewives of Miami

I am watching this show not because it is entertaining, but rather because it is fascinating.  By fascinating of course I mean I watch, drink, and laugh. I laugh at them and how ridiculous they are.  These women are embarrassing themselves, their children, their friends, and their clients.

Clients is a loose term because I find it hard to believe that any of these women will have clients after this season.  They are a bunch of slackers, who simply married well.  I know, I know, there is a dentist and an art chick, and the one who freed a rapist, but whatever.  Blah, blah, blah.

I didn’t blog about last week because I could not stand watching Lea Black cry over the death of her beloved dog, when the week before she talked about how she freed a rapist and John Goodman was innocent.  Does she cry about over the victims of the animals her husband defends?

There is nobody relevant on this show and if Bravo wants us to think this is what high society looks like in Miami, I think they are high.  These are not classy women.  They are simply rich, and some of them are not even that rich.  This train wreck is almost too much to sit through.

We start the week with Elsa going to visit Lea.  Really?  Elsa is going to visit the woman who torments her daughter?  Lea wants to talk to Elsa about the issues between Marisol and Elaine.  Here’s the thing: who cares?  Elaine Lancaster is horrible and we don’t care about her.

Lea is screeching while she explains to Elsa that Elaine is really a man.  Elsa is adorable and I love her.  It is heartbreaking to see what has happened to her face, but God Bless her for not letting it kill her spirit.  Lea is a gossip, and a bitch, and cannot stomach her.

Over at Joanna’s, her sister Marta is moving back in.  This chick is insane. She has an anger problem, a drinking problem, and a denial problem.  Romain cheats on her, and she turns a blind eye.  Her sister is more interesting than she is.  Joanna is as dumb as she is beautiful.

There is some event around shoes, with some famous shoe people, and all the girls are going.  I find it highly unlikely that any of these women would be invited were they not housewives.  The hostess is about 40 years younger than her husband and the whole thing makes me laugh.

Karent arrives and sucks everyone’s ass.  Adrianna arrives and has once again forgotten to wash her hair.  Lea is there acting the Queen, and the other are invisible.  Then, just when I think it cannot get more boring, we meet transgender socialite Lauren Foster.  I LOVE this chick.

I wish Lauren were a housewife.  Elaine Lancaster arrives and I’m grossed out. He truly thinks he is a housewife.  News flash Elaine, you are not a housewife and we don’t care about you.  You are mean, vulgar, inappropriate, and we are over you so get over yourself.

Elaine is gossiping to anyone who will listen that Marysol is screwing her over.  I happen to think Marisol probably did talk smac, but to make a fuss at the party was not cute.  Elaine is dumping all over the party and it ishorrible.  At the end of the day Elaine is a pig.

Lea does nothing to reign in her friend Elaine and that is shameful.  Lea cares about Lea and she laps up the drama.  Enough with the shoe thing, we are off to Karent who is hosting a party with Thomas Kramer. Thomas is revolting, and Karent is a nightmare.

Adriana goes to see the boat with her creepy boyfriend.  Can we just stop to talk about her dress?  She went to a construction site in heals and a shower curtain.  The red dress was hideous.  Adriana is hideous.  Neither her or her boyfriend ever wash their hair and it is nasty.

It’s time for the dinner party and you just know all hell is going to break loose.  Everyone has arrived and it’s lame that Bravo forces them all together.  They can’t stand each other, we know it, so the entire thing is pathetic.  The cackling begins before dinner is served.

Adrianna is all over everyone else’s man, probably because hers is not that great.  Karent can smell money, and the men of these women are even less interesting than their women.  How did they find these women?  I should be in casting at Bravo.

Joanna gives a toast to Thomas and invites all the girls, plus Elaine, on a weekend tri. Romain leaves to sleep with his mistress, Thomas calls it, and so the drama begins.  Sidebar:  Why do all of these women eat with their mouths open?  Is it the veneers? Botox?

The tension is thick and the rudeness is off the chain.  Lea is horrible, Marisol is weak, Joanna is unstable, and they are all too dumb to realize Thomas is offending all of them.  Anna is the only one with a brain, but painfully boring. Dumb is good at Bravo.

Anna leaves, right after she says Thomas is the scum that feeds off of bacteria.  Hilarious.  Joanna is offended and starts crying, but she stays so Romain won’t think she is crazy.  Really?  Joanna is having a meltdown and Thomas blames it on her period.

Lea’s voice starts squealing again, and Elsa tries to calm her down, then Thomas looses his mind on Elsa.  He is screaming at her, being hurtful, to an old lady he has known for 20 year, and not one pathetic skank at the table defends this poor woman.

Elsa is a lady and she leaves without saying a word.  Marysol has no balls. Forget about balls, she has no backbone.  Anna is crying and I am done.  It is impossible to watch a show where not one cast member is able or willing to keep it real.