I Can’t Stop Watching Married to Jonas

I cannot stop watching this show.  Granted it has only been on for a couple of weeks, but I am oddly attracted to it.  For reasons I cannot explain I watch it, watch it again when it is repeated, and cannot look away.  I cannot relate to the people featured, nor could I tell you the name of a single Jonas Brothers song, but I am watching.  Considering how old I am, it is of concern.

We start this week with Kevin and Dani going to the “Jonas compound” to visit before the big Jonas Brothers world tour starts.  The compound is a house but I am quickly learning this family thinks a lot of itself so jumping from house to compound is not a stretch.  To be clear, I think this is a very strange family and I would not want to be the first girl to marry into it.

Kevin is very sweet, but little off.  He is soft-spoken, and a little meek, but at the same time he is trying to find his way and be a man, rather than just a Jonas kid.  While not that familiar with the Jonas Brothers, Kevin was always described as the older gay one, so it’s interesting that he is married.  I like him and am puling for him and his equally odd wife Dani.

Dani and Kevin arrive at the compound and it’s weird because his mother does not hug her, just has an awkward conversation.  We saw in the first episode that they don’t really like each other and the only thing they have in common is Kevin, but it’s just strange to watch and in the end I think Dani is sweet, while Momma Jonas is a bitch.  I feel very bad for Dani.

Momma is trying to be a hard ass and it’s working.  Sort of.  I mean she is tough, but it’s not powerful tough as much as bitchy tough.  It’s not appealing and I think she is horrible.  I would not want to be the daughter-in-law to a woman like that.  In fact, I have been and it’s not a fun place to be.  Dani will never be good enough, or smart enough, and that is a bumpy road.

Kevin’s grandparents come over and we learn his Grandpa has cancer. They are sweet people.  Then friends come over, including Bob, who is the spiritual advisor to the Jonas family.  What does that mean?  Is he a man of the cloth?  Perhaps just a guy from the street that speaks with God?  I don’t understand what his qualifications are, but they all listen to him.

Kevin’s mom tells Bob to share with Kevin and Dani what the Lord told him. Kevin is annoyed, Dani is confused, and Bob lets them that God told him to tell them to start a family.  It is super creepy.  Dani starts crying and her mother-in-law thinks it is because the Lord moves her, but it’s because she is annoyed as hell that this crazy woman won’t drop all the baby crap.

Kevin and Dani talk to Bob and Kevin tells him he is ready to have a baby and Dani is not.  She tells us she is on medication for anxiety and it’s a brave moment.  I really like this girl.  I think she is slow, annoying, and irritating, but I really like her.  She is clearly having a hard time adjusting to her new life and her struggles are painful.  Bob is going to pray for her.


I admire faith and I love God, but I am unsure about someone who claims to actually speak to God.  God speaks to me, but I’m not sure he is sending messages through people to get pregnant.  Dani is scared to have a baby because she worries Kevin will be away and she will be alone, but Kevin says he will be there.  Really?  He will quit a tour to come home?

Dani goes out for afternoon tea with her mother-in-law and it is hilarious. It is pretentious and I’m guessing it was their first time and all for show. Dani is mocking the whole thing and I’m rolling.  Meanwhile Kevin goes skeet shooting with his dad and brother Nick.  Nick is the talented one, but also the evil genius.  The dad is all about milking his kids to make money.  Icky.

He tells them about their new tour and says they will be on the road for four months.  Kevin is not sure how Dani will handle the news.  Cut to Dani and she says she is excited about going on tour.  She is asked if she will take a baby on tour and she says she would tour while pregnant, but taking a baby would be hard.  Mother Jonas immediately lets her know she did it.

This woman really is a bitch and if she is not careful she will not see her son or her grandchildren as much as she would like.  At some point Dani is going to grow some balls and if she is not careful, the mother I mean, she is going to blow it.  If nothing else, this show is a how to not treat your daughter-in-law handbook for those of us who are mothers to boys. 

Dani and Kevin are talking “privately” outside and Kevin tells Dani he is sorry about his mom always talking about a baby.  He then tells her he is sorry for being selfish and pushing he baby issue.  It’s sweet.  Totally scripted and fake, but charming.  We are reminded that they are really young and that makes them interesting.  Odd and annoying, but interesting.

Kevin talks to his mom and lets her know she is being a bit of a bully.  She is very defensive, gets fake teary, and while I feel for her as a mother, she is quite a bitch.  She says she is jealous that Kevin has a family of his own, and he has her family to deal with also, but there is a weird insincerity to her.  That said, I’m sure I will be the same way, minus the bitchy.

Then in a surprise move, Mrs. Jonas goes all Jewish mother guilt on Kevin and I suddenly love her.  (Not really.)  She pulls the “your Grandpa has cancer, you should be with him not your wife and friends” card.  It was brilliant.  Gotta love the Jewish mom card. It’s only week two so picking sides might be premature, but I’m going with team Dani on this one.

The Bitch Mom them trashes Dani’s dinner because she used paper napkins not cloth.  Dear Lord.  She needs to have a conversation with God and get some perspective because her behavior is not very nice.  Then in a complete dumbass move, Kevin tells his wife what his mother said about the napkins. Really?  Poor dumb Kevin has no clue.

These kids are really simple.  By simple of course I mean a little dumb.  By a little of course I mean a lot.  I like them though and I am pulling for them to be happy. By happy of course I mean cancelled.  The family gets together to watch baby videos of Kevin and it’s weird.  I'm watching but this is a weird family, a weird show, and nothing about it is keeping it real.