The Bachelorette is Crawling to the Finish

I got a few emails this week telling me I was being too harsh in terms of Chris Harrison.  I don’t mean to be and so I am sorry.  I will no longer talk about the fact that he is not needed on this show.  I will also not make a big deal about the fact that it is creepy for him to be hosting Bachelor Pad because he is too old, or that now he is single he looks like a pervert.  Thanks for sharing.  I heard you, and I’m letting it go.

I still love Emily, and I love this show, but the recapping is just too much. Her going on and on about the remaining men, and their making us sit through things we’ve already seen is too much to ask of us.  I am going to skip over the recapping, which for the record lasts 15 minutes.  That is insane.  Emily is in Curacao and the first date is with Sean.  Emily is annoyed he has not yet told her he loves her when the other two have.

They go on a helicopter tour of the island the music is killing me.  It is cheesy enough to make you sick, but romantic enough to feel giddy.  This show has suckered us in.  We know it is lame, we know it is fake, but we are hanging onto very single word and want Emily to find love.  Sean is planning to tell her he loves her, and she is waiting to see if he will do it.  Here’s the thing, they have absolutely no sexual chemistry.

Emily and Sean look like they could be related and it grosses me out.  Sean is talking about his past relationship which is stupid.  He goes on and on about everything he is thinking but never tells her he loves her.  Emily appears to be bored and impatient, yet she makes out with him, which is weird.  She is stuck on him telling her he loves her and its hilarious because they have known each other for a minute, and it’s silly.

Sean is talking about his love of his dad again, then reads a letter he wrote to Ricki.  Really?  Sean is in love with the idea of love and wants a fantasy. Emilie’s response makes it very clear that she is sending him home.  She is not into it, he is rambling, and I’m over it.  They are on a beach, alone with the camera crew, and he tells her he loves her.  She is thrilled but it’s very awkward.  Emily wins.  She got them all to love her!

Sean says he wants to go to the fantasy suite and she agrees.  They go off to talk and get to know each other better.  They are in the hot tub, and with her child watching at home, they make out and she tells us every fiber of her being wants him to touch her boobies.  She sends Sean home letting us know she needs to set a good example for her kid.  It’s a little late darling Emily. Sean leaves thinking they will get married.

Jef’s date begins at minute 40 and we have yet to see anything interesting. I think Jef is a woman.  He thinks like a chick, talks like a chick, and dreams about the future like a chick.  I seriously don’t see the attraction.  Emily is a southern belle, with balls and a past, and he is just not going to go for that in the end.  Sidebar:  Jef needs constant reinforcement and it’s annoying. By annoying of course I mean that Jef is in fact, a woman.

Em and Jef are having dinner and seriously people, I am dying of laughter. Jef is the chick in this relationship.  He is asking all the questions she should be asking.  Important to note that Emily says like a lot when she is with Jef. Also, I just want to say that it pisses me off how Emily adds an extra syllable onto a lot of her words. Stopah itah Emilyah.  Emily and Jef kiss and it’s like watching chick on chick porn.

Emily gives Jef the invitation to the fantasy suite and he shoots her down.  Just like a lady would.  He wants to be respectful of her, and Ricki, but there will be plenty of time and so he thinks they should pass.  Emily is annoyed he says no because she wanted to be the one to turn him down.  They go to “hang out” which in Bachelorese means, “come touch my boobies”.  Emily is a smitten kitten when it comes to Jef.

It’s now Arie time.  Their date with the dolphins is amazing but there is no substance here.  There is a great sexual connection but they don’t seem to have anything to talk about.  They talk a lot about all the things they have done together, but don’t talk about anything to do with their lives or them personally.  I think Arie is a pig.  By pig of course I mean he comes across as a cheater to me.  I just don’t believe him.

Emily is asking Arie about his life at home and it is painfully clear they just won’t work.  He gets up at 9 and eats out everyday.  He is all about hanging with friends and makes no comment about being a stepdad.  He asks her how she sees their future and she answers without saying anything.  Arie says he and Emily feel like the only two people in the world, then adds on Ricki.  Arie is a child and he should not be the winner here.

Arie is going on and on about how he wants to be Ricki’s friend and buddy, then slowly, let me repeat, slowly, move into friendship, then build a relationship.  Emily thinks his plan is amazing, which contradicts what she has been saying all along.  She is pushing them all to step into the role of stepdad, yet is telling Arie she agrees that he should be Ricki’s buddy.  Arie is gorgeous, but he’s a player and I’m not buying it.

Emily does not even offer Arie the fantasy suite card.  She can’t trust herself to not sleep with him so she won’t even put the temptation in front of herself.  Then just when I’m thinking she is awesome and did the perfect thing, she starts fake crying about letting one of them go.  Dear Lord.  To all future Bachelorettes, please note that without tears it’s not crying, it’s just lame.  The fake crying forces my third glass of wine.

I am saddened to see that with all three dates over, we still have 30 minutes to go.  What in the hell are we going to watch for another 30 minutes?  Emily is wearing her fake Barbie ponytail and I’m laughing because it is so hideous. Harrison comes to pick her up for a talk.  Conversations with Harrison are painful, the fake crying is painful, the recapping is painful, and I just want to fast forward to the roses and cut out the crap.

The three men send video messages to Emily and it’s insane.  Sean tells her he loves her and wants a family with her.  Jef tells her he loves her recites what I think I saw once in a movie on Lifetime television for women.  Arie tells her he loves her and talks about how great their kisses are.  I am feeling a little nauseous at this point and I’m not sure it is from the sap or because I have now had so much red wine.

In the time honored tradition of ladies first, Jef gets the first rose.  The second one goes to Arie, and Sean is out.  He looks more sad than shocked and I feel bad for him.  He wants so much to find love that he did not realize she was jerking him around.  Poor guy.  Emily sniffs as if she is crying, but again there are no tears.  She asks him what he is thinking and I want him to call her a crazy bitch, but he is a gentleman.

Next week will be the men tell all special, which is always totally boring and stupid.  Then it’s the big finish.  The trailer makes it look like she is conflicted and could possibly not pick anyone.  Whatever.  This show does not work, but I love it and remain hopeful that one day it will.  I’m thinking she will pick Arie and then Jef will be the next Bachelorette.  However it plays out I’ll be watching and keeping it real.