Suffering for Beauty

I get my eyebrows waxed with regularity.  By regularity of course I mean I never miss an appointment.  I have dragged myself to my waxing lady when I was sick, pregnant, happy, sad, rich or poor. To be clear, it hurts in a profound way, for every single second that it is happening, but I have beautiful eyebrows and when I get compliments on them it’s worth it.

Getting eyebrows waxed is one of the things people talk about when they say it beauty is painful.  When it comes to getting your upper lip waxed, the saying should be beautiful is excruciating.  Seriously, it hurts, and people who say it does not have clearly discovered that having a drink and a Xanax before going to get waxed is a necessary and required thing.

I cannot wrap my head around bikini waxing.  Why someone would want to wax their private bits is beyond my level of comprehension.  If I am certain I will die from the pain of getting my eyebrows waxed, then I have no business having wax go anywhere south of the border. There is nothing appealing about that, which is why I have never done it.

By never done it of course I mean until now.  In a crazy turn of events, when I went to get my eyebrows waxed, I was talked into getting a bikini wax.  I mentioned to my waxing lady that I was going to Palm Springs for a weekend of rest and relaxation in the sun, by a pool, and she insisted I get a bikini wax. By insisted of course I mean she simply mentioned it.

She is less than 5 feet tall, Vietnamese, stunning, soft-spoken, and very, very, very sweet.  Every time I say ouch during my eyebrow wax, she giggles, tells me I am funny, and keeps going.  I honestly think that she believes it does not hurt and I am just kidding. It’s cute I suppose, if she thinks provoking me to punch her in the face is cute.

In a decision I regretted from the instant I made it, I ended up getting a bikini wax and let me just tell you, never again.  Having a woman wipe hot wax on you, rip it off in a violent way, then giggle and keep saying, “it is so pretty”, then whisper in Vietnamese to someone who is in the other part of the shop, something I am certain is about me, is not fun.

Sidebar:  How is it possible that she can whisper something so quietly I can hardly hear her sitting right in front of me, yet the person she is talking to happens to be two doors down will respond to her in a barely audible voice, only to have her respond in return?  Every chick in my salon has bionic hearing and it is hilarious but annoying.

I just wanted to say I have a newfound respect for strippers, Playboy bunnies, high-end hookers, and all other women who suffer through this incredible pain.  I have had a baby and let me just say, bikini waxing hurts more. At least labor gives you a baby.  Waxing leaves you crying, unable to stop once you start, and the fear of knowing you will have to do it again.

I’m not writing about this horrible experience to over share, but rather to say to those who do it regularly, you are brave.  I am cowardly and will never have another bikini wax.  If I go crazy one day, and want to feel this unimaginable level of pain again, I will stick toothpicks under my nails.  It won’t hurt as much, but will snap me into reality so I don’t do it.

The things women do for beauty are insane.  Men should be thanking their lucky stars that they don’t need to suffer for their beauty.  It really is not fair that we have to go through so much, and all men need to do is get out of bed for some woman to think he is fabulous.  At the end of the day I have decided to draw a line in the sand in terms of my beauty suffering.

If my vajewjew could speak she would say, “Why?”  How did we get to a place where a bald vagina was all the rage?  Waxing was not an option back in the day.  We went from natural, to landing strips, to Brazil, in the blink of an eye.  I think we should return to a pain free vagina where women torturing it while telling you it’s pretty is not an option.

I will continue to get my eyebrows waxed. I will even do my upper lip.  I will shave, pluck and prod whatever needs to be done in order to look and feel pretty, however I will not go through the pain and humiliation of a bikini wax. Never say never I guess, but unless there is a secret to making it not hurt, I’m going to pass.  Will I stick to it?  My body is keeping the faith.