The Bachelorette Looks Great in a Harness

Let me begin by saying how sorry I am this is so late in getting posted!  I got a kick out of all the emails and nudges to get this puppy up.  I promise that starting this week I will post on Monday nights after the show.  Your loyalty to my Bachelorette recaps is appreciated and my delays are over!

I love this show and I love Emily.  I am sure there will come a time when everything she does and says will annoy me, but for now we are golden.  She is the perfect bachelorette and if there was ever a chick that was going to pull this off, it would be Emily.  I believe in her and hope she can do it.

The men on the other hand are not that impressive.  There are 16 men left but truly only 2 or 3 that make sense for her.  Many of the men are young and quite dumb, but there are a few that seem great.  By seem great of course I mean we will see a dark side to them by the end of the show.

Emily takes her first one-on-one date with Chris.  She goes on and on about how cute he is but I don’t get it.  He has weak lips and let’s not forget that he is a child.  At 25 is he really able to take on a 6 year old child?  The man she marries will in fact become a father.

She’s not a single mother whose man needs to deal with an ex-husband, it is just her and so it will be just him, and I don’t see that from a 25 year old. There are exceptions of course and I suppose some men are ready for a family at a young age.  That said, Google Ashton Kutcher.

Emily and Chris climb a building to get to dinner.  Lame. They both talk about how scaling the building is a metaphor for love and I’m laughing while I pop open the first bottle of wine for the evening.  I am still laughing about Chris telling America Emily looks great in a harness.

He went on and on about how hot she was strapped into a harness and it was hilarious.  I went straight to the gutter and could not stop laughing.  He reminds her he is only 25 and Emily is visibly surprised.  She likes him a lot but was not aware he is a child.  This show rocks.

Back at the house poor Tony is having a nervous breakdown about being away from his kid.  You know he is going home and it’s a relief because he is boring as hell and never had a shot with Emily.  Back at dinner Chris is convincing Emily he is a man and ready for a family.

Blah. Blah. Blah.  They finish their climb, go to dinner, and then to a private concert with a country singer who is singing about being drunk and high.  Chris kisses her and says it is the greatest feeling he has experienced in his entire life.  Really?  A little perspective young man.

Chris goes on to say the date is actually the greatest moment in his entre life.  Again, really?  I’m all for love but if a date with a woman on a reality show when she is dating 15 other men is your greatest moment in life, you might want to work on getting a more exciting life.  Seriously.

It is time for the group date and they meet Emily in a park.  She looks great, most of them look gorgeous, and the editing shows Ryan to be the one who is going to crash and burn.  She leaves them with a football and walks away where we see she has her best girlfriends with her.

She is going to introduce the ladies to the men and they are going to do some investigating for her.  Her friends are sweet and clearly a little jealous of her experience.  When the men come to meet them there is a flood of drooling and the ladies immediately get a little flirty.

The men are cute but nervous.  The guy with the egg is a complete loser and the blonde friend Wendy is a little too excited to be around the men.  Sean comes over and Wendy is all over him like white on rice.  She is flirting, gets sexual, and obviously needs to get laid in a big way.

After the girlfriends sufficiently embarrass themselves, a group of kids come out to play in the park with the men.  It is lame and calculated but I loved it. Gorgeous men and kids is a turn on and my ovaries are now convulsing so it’s time for more wine.  Ryan comes over and he is a douchelord.

He tells Emily he would have a problem if she gained weight.  He would still love her, but probably not love on her as much.  Ryan is a pig who is there to be famous and it’s a drag because he was cute in the beginning.  He is a player, probably has a small penis, and will be gone soon enough.

It’s the group date cocktail party and we find out Doug and Sean were the top choices of the girlfriends.  Sean is sweet, all about family and Jesus. He would be good for her I guess, but he’s a little boring and she will lose interest.  He needs to go to a church picnic and find his gal.

Doug tells his childhood story of foster homes and Emily starts to cry.  He is sweet and I hate to be negative, but there is a darkness to him and I think he will blow.  He is attractive and kind, a dad and a nice guy, but something about him is bugging me and I’m not sure what it is.

Toby’s whining is giving me a headache.  He is feminine and sappy and I’m bored.  Emily is too so she sends him packing.  She really is a sweet girl and she handled it like a lady.  She lets him down easy and he leaves thinking if he did not miss his son so much he would have had a shot.

She tells the group she sent Tony home.  She has a rose to give out on the date and she opts to give the rose to Sean.  Nice he got it.  I don’t think he is the one, but it was a good call on her part.  Plus all her friends want to bang him so it’s a nice moment for her.

Arie gets the next one-on-one and they are off to Dollywood.  I love me some Dolly Parton.  She is amazing.  Dolly surprises Emily and her reaction is perfection. She is speechless at the sight of her and it’s lovely.  Dolly Parton is divine and I love everything about her.

There is a lot of stuff being written about Arie in the blogosphere and so it’s hard to take any of his dates seriously.  I really like him but he is apparently a pig and a lair in real life, not on the show for Emily, and a player, so I’m not paying him to much attention anymore.

They are never going to let her pick him because of the scandalous rumors so the time he is with her is a write off.  Arie and Emily have a great date, kiss, and have a connection.  It’s a shame he is a douchebag.  He will go far, but is obviously not going to be the chosen one.

It’s time for cocktails and the rose ceremony.  Watching Emily get ready with her little girl is nice and I like those moments.  She greets all the men and asks Kalon if she can take him off for a chat.  He has not seen her all week and is a little bitter and rather nasty.

Kalon creeps me out.  He is talking to Emily and his inner pig is out in full glory.  He won’t stop talking, she tries to join in the conversation and he talks over her.  He tells her he always thought his first child would be his own and it is hard for him to accept it might not be.

She is trying to figure him out and he tells her he likes it when she talks but she needs to let him finish talking.  And that people is how you hammer a nail into your own coffin.  He’s a pretentious ass and he will be gone soon.  In the words of Emily, he is tall, skinny, and condescending.  Snap.

Travis decides it is time to get rid of the ridiculous egg he’s been carting around and I am now on my third glass of wine.  This guy is an idiot, his time with her is idiotic, and the only funny thing about the egg bit is the men raising a glass to her memory.  Travis needs to go home.

Emily is talking to Alessandro who tells her his taking on a daughter is a compromise.  Emily is telling him getting a daughter is a bonus, and he insists it is a compromise.  He’s out.  He’s also dumb and has now publicly sealed his reputation as a complete jackass.  Mazel Tov.

Arie comforts her and they kiss while the other men look on.  Sean tells her he is into being a dad, and Emily is touched.  They smooch and I’m thinking he might have a shot.  He’s certainly good for her on paper.  Too bad he’s boring.  That said, he would certainly make a good looking family.

Stevie is sent home.  Probably because he is a grown man called Stevie.  We are down to 13 and next week looks like it will be great.  They are off to Bermuda so we will get to see a lot of skin.  I am digging this season and hope they don’t piss us off.  All we ask is that they keep it real.