Mother Nature is a Man

One would hope women have compassion for other women. Who better to understand cramps and childbirth than a woman?  Even if she’s never had a baby, a woman can imagine the pain in a real way. How is it possible that women are burdened with such pain and misery when a woman, Mother Nature, was in charge of assigning the pain and misery? What the hell was this chick thinking? Clearly she was drunk when she was figuring this all out.

There is no real Mother Nature of course. She is simply a figure of speech, but I’m about done with all the crap that comes with being a woman and so in the interest of this blog, and my needing to vent, we are going to blame her for all of it.  I normally like to blame the Kardashians for all that is wrong in the world, but since they are women, they are getting a pass and we will blame Mother Nature instead. Being a woman can be really rough.

I am forty-nine years old and currently have my period. Too much information?  Whatever.  I also happen to have a rather swollen face, having had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday. I also have a pimple on my face which is seriously pissing me off. I have cramps, my boobs hurt, I am bloated, cranky, and constantly on the verge of tears.  Ice cream is a food group and I want to punch the makers of tampon commercials in the face. Really hard.

Not only am I going to have my period for over 40 years, but when it is over, I am going to suffer through menopause as a way to celebrate it finally being done.  I get to squeeze a baby out my vajewjew, provide my miracle with food from my body, then have my boobs relocate to just above my knees. It just seems really unfair to me that women have it so hard and men have it so easy.  Is Mother Nature really a woman? Not a shot in hell.

Is it not possible that it is really Father Nature? The things a woman has to go through in comparison to a man makes me question how unfair it is. The only thing that makes sense is she made these decisions while she herself had her period, and was therefore a little crazy. God gave her a period then told her to assign it to a sex, she was hormonal, decided to curse us all in a moment of rage, and couldn't take it back. We got screwed.

Important to note that if men had a period, they would be impossible, so maybe the hidden blessing was for women to get it. I have seen grown men crumble from a common cold so I cannot imagine what having a cramp would do to these interesting creatures. If a few sniffles and a fuzzy head brings them to their knees, a period might be too much for them to handle and they'd crack under the pressure.

Now this new theory of mine explains the period, but what about menopause, saggy boobs, turkey chins, wrinkles, and our eggs being poached after 35?  Men can have babies until they have one foot in the grave, yet women, the ones who actually have babies, are dealing with a very short window of opportunity in terms of getting pregnant.  Men get better with age and women simply get old. Believe me people, Mother Nature was a dude in drag. Seriously.

It’s the only thing that makes sense really. Women have to constantly shave hair off their bodies, yet men don’t.  Women have to pluck their eyebrows and wax their upper lips, yet men are hairy apes.  Women have to wear painful shoes in order to look sexy, yet men can wear sneakers with a tuxedo. There is no equality in terms of the pain and suffering of a woman in comparison to a man and it is annoying.

I would welcome being a man for one week.  I would walk around playing with myself, burp, fart, never shave, and probably travel to Northern Canada just so I could write my name in the snow with my pee.  I would keep all my clothes on the floor, never put down the toilet seat, and never ask for directions.  I would date women out of my league because I would be a single, Jewish man in my 40’s who knows my real height, weight, and age. That is a miracle!

I simply do not think men have a clue about how lucky they have it.  They are clearly the weaker sex in terms of pain thresholds, and I wonder if they appreciate how easy they have it.  Men should be buying women things to balance it all out. “Sorry about your period” diamonds. “Thanks for the baby” cars. This should be happening from men to random women on the street. “Sorry I make more money than you” coffee. Women deserve a little something extra.

I am hormonal so my outburst isn't surprising. That I am giving the Kardashian family a pass is a mirracle. I am proud to be a woman, and honored to have given birth to a remarkable human being. My son will never know how hard being a woman is, but he will have a wife one day and so I will prepare him. He will say a prayer, approach with caution, and cross his fingers. Oy vey. Men are lucky, women are blessed, I am going to bed and keeping the faith.