The Bachelor – Hometown Dates Recap

We are hitting the home stretch and as it is every season around this time, I am reaching my breaking point.  I love this show so much that I can’t stand that it’s almost over.  By love it of course I mean it is total crap and I am counting down the minutes until it is finally over.

We start with Lindzi at her parent’s horse farm in Florida.  Lindzi calls Ben her boyfriend and pronounces the word dad weird.  The good news is she appears to have finally brushed her hair.  The bad news is it did not help.  As for Ben, I don’t think he has washed his hair the entire season.

Lindzi tells Ben she almost got married and he seems so surprised.  Why? She dated a guy for a year and almost got married, he dated a girl for five minutes and asked her to marry him.  That is shocking.  Ben always feels so moved when the girls share as if it’s something special.  Ben is a putz.

Lindzi says she is feeling vulnerable and admits to Ben it is a big word for her.  Ben is so dumb he thinks she is talking about being vulnerable on an emotional level, but what she meant was she rarely uses such big words and vulnerable is literally, just a big word for her.

Lindzi is a beautiful girl and I like her parents.  It was sweet that Lindzi and Ben had their first date at SF City Hall, because that is where her parents got married.  They are all very comfortable together and it’s sweet, but Lindzi pronounces dad like Dawd and it sounds ridiculous.

Listening to Ben talk about his search for love makes my ears bleed.  I get a severe lower back pain and worry I might pass out.  That is how gross it is. Ben should never have been the bachelor and that I invested in this season is proof that it is not about being good, just addictive.

Up next is Kacie B. and they are in Tennessee.  This is a super sweet girl but boring as hell.  She loves him more than the others, which lets us know that she is as dumb as she is cute.  She is talking about how the visit will change her life, and so it safe to assume she is going home.

Kacie B is talking about her grandparents and Ben could care less.  He is not even pretending to be interested in her.  He’s checked out and it’s hilarious because he is talking about how great she is, but it‘s all crap.  She is fake laughing and he wants to get the hell out of there.

They get to her parents house and immediately sit for dinner, which was weird.  No hanging out to get to know each other.  Plus, they have set the table only on one side so they are sitting like it’s a scene from the last supper and you just know Kacie B is getting her heart broken.

Kacie B tells her sister she acts how people want her to act, so is what we saw a lie?  Kacie B is young, inexperienced, and you know when he let’s her go she will crumble and blame herself for not being good enough.  Poor girl.  This is not going to go well and she knows it.

Sidebar:  If Kacie B is the only Kacie left, why are we all still calling her Kacie B?  Her parents are very sweet, but just not into it.  Kacie’s dad gives Ben permission to let her go.  Her parents mean well, but they blew this for her.  It was never going to be her, but they killed it.

I feel bad for Kacie.  The hometown date is a disaster but you have to wonder if she loves Ben, or is just trying to escape what appears to be a very rigid life.  She’s trying to break free, and this would have been a great way to do it, but in the end Ben’s just not into her.

Our next trip is to Texas with Nicki.  I don’t get her, or him with her.  I am going to skip over this entire hometown because I’m not buying them together.  He keeps her because she puts no pressure on him so he can focus on banging Courtney and falling in love with Lindzi.

We now travel to Arizona to see skanky Courtney.  She is trying to sound innocent and kind.  She wants us to think she has been reflective and looking back at her experience, but I can think about is that she is pathological and just dirty.  Clearly her parents have no idea how slutty she is.

Courtney’s sister looks like Khloe Kardashian, and her mom and dad are super cute.  Courtney’s parents have the last supper table too and it’s lame looking. Her overbite is bothersome, her oily skin is bugging me, and her family is cute.  When they watch the season they must be mortified.

Important to note Courtney is really lovely with her parents and had she played this differently, we might have been on her side.  Instead she came is as a manipulative whore and we don’t like her.  In the end she made her bed, slept in it with Ben, and he is not going to pick her.

Skanky and dirty go out for a picnic and she tells him she is ready for love with him.  She sets up a fake wedding as a way to tell him she loves him. Could this check be any weirder?  I find this whole scene to be both disturbing and hilarious.  That he is not running away is fascinating.

They are writing fake vows and he is actually taking it seriously and telling us why he might love her.  Dear Lord.  This is an all time low for this show.  A clergyman of some kind comes out and tells them to recite their vows.  It is so lame that I am now screaming at my television.

He reads his vows and she’s blown away, asking him if he just wrote them right there.  Really?  No Courtney, you moron, he wrote them after your first date and has been carrying them around in his filthy hair should he ever be put in a position to have a fake wedding with you.

Courtney reads her vows and I am dying!  She is reciting a scene from Sex and the City!  The one in Paris when Carrie is breaking up with Petrovsky.  Dear Lord.  This chick is a freak. She tells him she loves him, he falls for it, and I am wasting good wine by projectile vomiting.

Important to note if Ben gives Courtney the final rose my head may explode.  The final two will be Lindzi and Courtney, and it could go either way.  America will hate him if he picks Courtney, but we hate him now so who cares.  This show makes me sick every single season.

First rose goes to Courtney, second one to Lindzi and the third to Nicki.  Poor little Kacie B is out and she is, as expected, crushed.  She handles herself like a lady, which makes it even more painful to watch. She then loses it and the depth of her pain is out in the open for all to see.

She stands there in shock looking at Ben for answers.  Nicki and Lindzi hug her, but Skanky does not.  They sit together for a minute while she cries, he tells her he’s sorry, and instead of him comforting Kacie, she is comforting him.  Ben is a schmuck and she is lucky he dumped her.

She is in the car and losing it.  She is bawling, wondering why she was not good enough, and what is wrong with her.  Poor girl.  There is nothing wrong with you Kacie.  Ben is a pig, and a whore.  You are a sweet girl.  You are young and will find love.  Stop crying.  It’s embarrassing.

Then sweet Kacie drops F bombs as she wonders what happened.  I know she’s sad but I am loving her reaction.  Back in the house Ben tells the girls they are headed to Switzerland.  Next week looks like it has typical fake twists and turns as we get down to the final two.

Every season I watch this show with the hope it will work, and love will be found.  In the end it never happens and I find myself screaming at the television and drinking a lot of wine.  That is the life of a Bachelor blogger. Trying to not become an alcoholic, while keeping it real.