The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Get Hammered

We are still in Ojai and dinner is turning ugly.  Brandi is having a lovely conversation with Kim and Adrienne decides to crap all over it.  Cut to Taylor telling the camera that Brandi is toxic.  Really?  Taylor kills people and thinks she can call people toxic?  Taylor Armstrong is a disgusting human being and she needs to, if I may steal the words from Brandi, STFU.

If you feel bad for someone you ask how they are, you don’t cackle like a chicken that she is crying.  Kim loses it and goes to the bathroom, and Brandi goes with her.  Kyle says Brandi was wrong, Adrienne is offended, and Lisa is telling them it is not a big deal.  Kyle says Lisa shouldn’t defend Brandi and we are reminded that these women are not entertaining.

Kyle is picking a fight with Lisa and it is hilarious.  Kyle is a bitch and Adrienne is a moron.  Adrienne says its rude to talk to another woman that way.  Really?  These women are dumb.  Taylor and Yolanda go to the bathroom with Kim while the others talk about the fact there is something wrong with Brandi.  I guess normal is wrong.

Kyle does not understand why Lisa is not upset with Brandi.  Really?  Shut the F up Kyle.  You are an idiot.  Kim is upset Brandi called her a crack whore, Brandi apologizes for saying it, Kim and Brandi hug, Lisa goes in to lecture Brandi and tell her she needs to apologize to Adrienne.  Brandi is not sorry and Lisa tells her to fake it.  I love Lisa and I love Brandi.

Brandi tells Adrienne she is sorry for dropping the F bomb, Adrienne accepts, Brandi announces her book deal and Taylor is pissed.  Kyle explains that Brandi attacked Taylor for her book and should not be surprised Taylor is not happy for her.  Kyle is hideous.  I love the word hideous in terms of some of the housewives.  By some of course I mean most.

Taylor says Brandi’s husband cheating and leaving her is not enough for a book.  A book about your husband dying and no mention of that fact that you killed him, is not enough for a book you idiot.  Taylor Armstrong is a maniac and she should be in prison not at dinner.  FYI: Brandi kicked Eddie out he did not leave you stupid dumbass.  STFU Taylor.

Taylor is pissed off because killing her husband left her in financial turmoil and she is angry that Brandi got a book deal.  Yolanda is mortified by their behavior and is rather judgmental.  I guess she forget she was a nightmare with her daughter’s modeling.  People in glass houses should not throw stones Mrs. Foster.  You are all mortifying.

Camille lets us know she is taking it slow with her gorgeous boyfriend, and Yolanda shares that jewelry is overrate.  Um, no its not.    Some girls are off for a hike, Lisa and Brandi are still in bed comparing snoring, and its a little slow moving.  Lisa is advising Brandi, Brandi is holding tough, and I’m pouring my second glass of wine in 36 minutes.

Brandi tells us Adrienne and Paul wanted her to tweet she didn’t mean what she said and she refused.  Why?  Because, “I am not your puppet, bitch.” Will I be getting that printed on a t-shirt?  YES I WILL.  The girls are off to play badminton and I’m folding laundry just to keep myself awake during the pathetic excuse for TV that Bravo is giving me.

They are chasing each other in golf carts and I am fast-forwarding over it. Kyle and Taylor have camera time and I am not interested in anything these two losers say so I’m skipping ahead and focusing on my laundry.  Important to note however, that Kyle’s outfit is horrific and she looks like a total idiot. Not hard for her but still, total idiot.

The women are all at the spa to get pampered.  The girls are covering themselves in mud and it looks fabulous.  Adrienne says being naked with women is not relaxing, Yolanda says it all feels very lesbian-ish, and Kim is moaning as if the mud is somehow servicing her.  It’s all very strange. Are any of these women having sex?

Yolanda starts a towel fight, and Kyle wants everyone to stop talking for a minute. You shut up Kyle.  In the midst of their silence Yolanda throws a pitcher of cold water on Kyle and I am loving me some Yolanda.  These women have moments of greatness when they are in small groups, but get them all together and they suck the joy out of this show.

Everyone is at dinner and the chef comes out to talk as if anyone watching the show will actually go visit based on seeing this episode.  Dear Lord I’m bored. That rhymed.  It is the wine.  Blah, blah, blah.  They are talking about wine, nobody is listening, and we are hearing about why Yolanda is not drinking.  She broke her back during childbirth.

Sad.  However, to help ease her pain, she is having lamb embryo injected into her body.  Dear Lord.  Brandi asks how people had their babies and Camille is left out because she didn’t give birth to her kids.  And then it happens, Brandi calls someone “Kitty Cat”.  I’ve been waiting!  When I interviewed Brandi she said Kitty Cat and I loved it.

The ladies are back at the house and getting hammered so Yolanda excuses herself and goes to bed.    Kim excuses herself because she is a drunk in recovery and can’t be around the lushes.  She’s probably drinking in her room. Bless her.  She seems drunk in all of her one-on-one camera shots and I hope that’s just me being mean.  I want her to be well.

The girls are now wasted.  Brandi challenges Taylor to an arm-wrestle and they start with a kiss.  Really?  They are now wrestling and pulling hair, but in what Yolanda would call a total lesbian way.  Kyle is confused, probably because she is so dumb.  Lisa thinks the wrestling is a chance for Brandi to kick some bitch ass and Adrienne is up next.

They are doing gymnastics, acting ridiculous, sharing underwear, fake laughing, and having an overall great time.  They are pounding on the floor to wake up Yolanda and you know she is going to be pissed in the morning.  Kim is having a lame conversation with her fake sister and it’s pathetic.  I like Kim and think Kyle is a back stabbing bitch.

Yolanda tells the women they are cute and that while they slept in from their drunken debauchery, she woke up early and worked out.  She then states nothing is more unattractive than women getting drunk.  I’m back to thinking Yolanda is a pretentious stick in the mud.  Everyone is packing and they are heading back to Beverly Hills.

Camille congratulates Kim on her sobriety and it’s sad that they chose to celebrate her accomplishment by getting hammered.  That is real friendship..  They are heading home and Lisa is over Kyle trying to imitate her accent.  Lisa does an awesome American accent.  I like Lisa.  I did not get her in the beginning, but now I do and she is classy and real.

Kyle is hashing up the STFU dinner comment and seriously, I think someone should toss her ass out of the car.  She is horrible.  Adrienne is explaining herself, Brandi is sticking to her guns and calling them out on bullshit, and once again Kyle is the troublemaker.  She starts the fight, then sits back and enjoys the fall out.

Next week all hell will break loose with the disgusting Maloof pigs and Brandi, along with the same old crap with Kim and Kyle.  I love this show. Lisa and Brandi make it worth watching and the other hags make it worth blogging.  I’ll be back next week with some extra wine to make it through.  Bravo to Brandi for being real, and keeping it real.