Love Language

Every year, my husband and the other clergy at our synagogue, decide on a theme for the High Holy Days. This year, the decision was to keep the theme throughout the year, a kind of backdrop for programming and the like. When he told me the theme, I thought it sweet. Love. Always a good one. Not too difficult to discuss, and hey, who doesn’t like to be loved?

Little did any of us know how much we would need such a theme right now. I am struck, as we all are, by this country so rattled and divided. I am struck as an American whose father is a Middle Eastern immigrant. I am stuck as the mother of a budding artist who passionately goes to school with other young artists who by virtue of their trade are all questioning their sexual identities and freedoms. I am struck by my own insecurities as a woman, and with the  judgments and opinions I have developed over the navigations of my life. It feels hard to remain curious and open. And loving.

Last week, my husband offered the last of a  3 part series on a book called LOVE LANGUAGES  by Gary Chapman. The first class, only one person attended. The second, the night of the election itself, no one came. But at this third class? The room was full. The discussion was as lively and diverse as the people participating. I was so glad to be there. So glad to be perhaps a MOMENT of the solution rather than a continuance of the problem.

The basic premise is this: we all have a language that best translates to us as feeling loved.  Chapman identifies 5 of them: Verbal Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts. The work becomes FIRST to identify your own language. Of course, there is often a bleeding over between categories. The quest is to really sit long enough with your own honest observations about your interactions with others so that you can begin to identify what works for you as you communicate with others. Some of us were confused. Our language needs can feels different with a spouse than with kids, or  co-workers or parents. However, usually there is a through line, and once you can identify WITHOUT self judgment, the whole process becomes a lot easier.

I got home and realized immediately how the category I thought I fell into was not really the crux of my love language at all. Once I realized that, I immediately realized that I tend to judge my loved ones because their languages can seem foreign or petty to me. And then, I immediately forgave myself for all of it. We are not taught from an early age to do anything remotely like this. At least, for the most part I think. But boy, what if we were?? What if our schools or religious schools used these kinds of books/tools as part of the curriculum? Not with any God or religious speak, as the task of even that word translation can alienate one from another, but more in these simple, human categories? Can you imagine a world where this was something we are “graded” on?  Where parent/teacher conferences are yes, about learning our A, B, C’s,  but more about how we identify our own needs and show tolerance and curiosity for others?

A pipe dream, I know… Maybe. Maybe a theme to put in the suggestion box at the White House as they plan their immediate future. I love the pursuit of communication, and I want to work open heartedly toward making the communication of love between people something to be cherished without fear.

Come practice this with me this WEDNESDAY MORNING as we meet at 9:15 in our little studio on Clark Street, in Beverly Hills. Maybe we can spread the word, one breath, one mat, at a time.

In peace and thanks-giving,

Michelle