Do They Like Me

That sweet 11-year-old I get to live with was deep in despair this week. She had interviewed for a summer position to work with kids. Guiding, listening and playing with kids is her wheelhouse, her home base. She prepared for weeks, and was ready for any question asked of her. I set myself up for a good long wait in the lobby. She returned in about 7 minutes. The women, it seems, were kind and condescending as they murmured absently of their interest as she told them about her experience with kids thus far in her short life. I can tell you completely unbiasedly her answer is very impressive.

They proceeded to tell her about the menial labor she would be in charge of IF she got accepted, thanked her for coming, and then led her back to me. Once in the car, she burst into tears. My heart broke as she wailed, “I gave out all my joy out and everything and it didn’t even matter! They didn’t get to know ME at all!” She fell asleep early that night, exhausted.

I was grateful for all my mindfulness training in this moment, as the box of doughnuts or pints of ice cream I was tempted to get for her would only delay actually FEELING and working with the pain of this disappointment. This was one of those moments that we remember, that shape our characters into adulthood. That empty phrases like, “What do they know, the dopes!” Or, “It’s gonna be ok, you’ll do something better,” would never work for this smart girl. And when she heard nice things from them the next day, still not offering her the position but asking her availability, it was not the time to say something like, “See? All those tears are really foolishness, OF COURSE they liked you!”

Being liked could NOT be what this was about . It was never more clear to me how demoralizing and yes, totally exhausting it is when we worry about being liked. We explored this theory together, wondering aloud about how we decide who we like at school or in a new environment, and how it takes time to know whether or not you truly like someone, and how in a business setting the questions are more simple: do you fit what we need or do you not. I figured as an actor who has spent many years in unnecessary anguish learning this concept, I was sort of an unwitting expert in the field.

We concluded that this experience, painful though it may have been, was a gift to have had so young. I tossed out to her the notions of non identification and not taking things personally, and she with a new twinkle in her eye sent them a thank-you letter she thoughtfully crafted. It was neat to see her take back some of that joy she had generously shared with these not so good interviewers, and she left for school empowered.

I know she will learn and re-learn this over and again as she moves forward, as I am sure I will too, but boy oh boy do I see how we gain so much more energy as we like ourselves free from the notions of others.

Come practice this week with us at 8:30 am on MONDAY and 9:15 ON WEDNESDAY.

In appreciation,

Michelle