Real Housewives of Orange County Week 5 Recap


Typos are lovingly provided by Jose Cuervo.

  • I’m already bored
  • I’m still watching the opening credits
  • I’ve made myself a Cosmo
  • It tastes as good as an orgasm
  • Jose is here
  • He’s resting on ice
  • He thinks RHOC is hilarious
  • Not in a good way
  • In a Trump is President way
  • Lunch at the beach
  • Meghan, Tamra, Shannon
  • The cousin/nanny is there too
  • Really?
  • Meghan is a twat
  • Shannon is drinking
  • Tequila is on her diet
  • Nanny takes the baby away
  • Whatever
  • Meghan has no idea what she is doing
  • Or how idiotic she sounds
  • Shannon is still whining about her weight
  • Meghan says her marriage is to blame not Vicki
  • Meghan is having a party to introduce the baby
  • Vicki is invited
  • Blah, blah, blah
  • Lydia is on a family vacation in Hawaii
  • She is a good Christian
  • Her boys are talking about kissing naked
  • Jesus wants them to know about sex
  • Lydia says Jesus loves sex
  • I am dying
  • Jesus is here and he spit out his drink
  • He’s on the floor laughing
  • His robe is going to get wrinkled!
  • This sex talk to small children is painful
  • Oh.My. God.
  • Lydia and her hubs were virgins when they got married
  • I can’t
  • Poor girl
  • How does she know he is even good in bed?
  • FYI: Jesus does not love sex
  • He is however fine with you having sex
  • He also says he does not care if you’re married
  • He also does not care who you sleep with
  • He also believes in same sex marriage
  • He told me to tell you that
  • He is laughing again
  • I think JC may have had a sip of my Cosmo
  • By accident of course
  • Bless him
  • Time to hear about Peggy being Armenian
  • Ugh with this one already
  • Her description of being Armenian sounds Jewish
  • Peggy is car name dropping
  • Peggy invites them to a party
  • Shannon declines because Vicki will be here
  • Shannon is a fucking nut job
  • Not a regular nut job
  • A fucking nut job
  • Jesus is telling me to use less profanity
  • Jose says more
  • These two are fun together
  • Kelly is out with her mom
  • Who cares?
  • Her mom is looking at a senior center
  • I can’t
  • The woman at the center thinks Kelly is a moron
  • So do I
  • Her mom looks great for 68
  • They are now fighting
  • I want to punch Kelly
  • Kelly is crying
  • I’m skipping over Kelly
  • She’s disgusting
  • Time for Vicki
  • I’m going to make out with Jose right now
  • Jesus is in the restroom
  • Michael has a girlfriend
  • Vicki wants him to have a pre-nup
  • She also wants him to practice safe sex
  • I want to impale myself
  • Kelly invites Tamra to coffee
  • Tamra calls Shannon to tell her
  • Gossiping bitches
  • Shannon needs to be institutionalized
  • I would cheat on Shannon
  • That’s mean
  • I know Jesus, I know
  • Lydia wants her hubs to get snipped
  • She does not want any more kids
  • Jesus says Lydia is an interesting Christian
  • I finished my Cosmo
  • I also drank Jose off the ice
  • He’s now staring at me from the bottle
  • I love him
  • I’m sick of Meghan and her nanny
  • Jim goes straight to the baby
  • Hilarious
  • That is a cute baby
  • Meghan is unwatchable
  • Tamra is having a hot flash
  • Kelly is fucking with Tamra
  • Tamra is too dumb to see it
  • This show is great when you’re a little drunky
  • Kelly plays dirty on Twitter
  • Tamra should not be talking to her
  • Dumb and dumber
  • Tamra apologizes
  • Kelly accepts it
  • Kelly is vicious
  • Peggy keeps looking at the camera
  • Perfection
  • They are having a car event
  • They are rich
  • Rich, rich, rich
  • Rich and Armenian
  • Might as well be a Kardashian
  • They are equally as uninteresting as the Kardashians
  • Time for the party
  • Lydia looks great
  • Meghan’s dress is hideous
  • Lydia is telling everyone about the snipping
  • That’s the Christian way
  • Ball cutting in the name of Jesus
  • Dumbasses
  • Vicki arrives
  • Loudly
  • The car is revealed
  • The car is gross
  • Nobody cares about the car
  • Meghan invites the girls to her party
  • They promise to be nice to Shannon and Tamra
  • Never going to happen
  • Tamra and her gay husband are at Shannon’s
  • Shannon’s husband is dead in the eyes
  • Shannon and Tamra are blowing off Peggy
  • Everyone is going to play nice for the baby party
  • Vicki is full of shit
  • Meghan calls her out on it
  • Vicki is mentally stunted
  • Meghan is not afraid to say anything
  • Vicki says she has done all she can
  • Meghan suggests she could do more
  • Vicki says she has apologized many times
  • To everyone
  • I am Team Meghan on this one
  • Vicki stops being an idiot and she can stop apologizing
  • Peggy is not a fit on this show
  • Peggy holds Meghan’s mouth shut
  • Meghan should have slapped Peggy’s hand away
  • These women are embarrassing
  • They are also street crack
  • I’m hooked
  • Jose is sleeping
  • Jesus is leaving
  • I’m going to watch The Bachelorette
  • I’m drunk but keeping it real

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